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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you don't help your parents, don't be surprised if your kids don't help you.[/quote]

No. In my family the opposite happened. My parents saw how many years of being there for grandparents and their emergencies and challenging behavior led to marital problems and illness and they went the opposite extreme-traveling like crazy and never available as their siblings destroyed their health. My parents also left us with even abusive sitters every chance they had and there is so much more, but then were quite entitled with aging. My dad at least had the common sense to be gracious which made it much easier.

There are so many variables including parental expectations/personality/empathy/planning. My aunts and uncles who actually dealt with the many years of emergencies and so much more, even with their own illnesses, took the time to make sure they never put their own children through what they went through-they could not bare the thought of eating up their own kids if their decline was long and awful. So they moved to CCRCs, etc and low and behold their kids visited often because it was a pleasure. They were appreciated. They could enjoy their relatives and know there were supports in place. When parents refuse to move, even a minor emergency can turn into a trip the ER and a late night call and travel only to find out it was minor and if your parent were at AL, they nurse would have checked it out and determined if more intervention was needed.

This isn't about a year or 2 of some inconveniences. I have been at this over 10 years between parents and inlaws and for some reason the kind ones make it easier and also don't live as long. It's the challenging, tantrumming, constant emergency (some real, some just drama and over-reaction), hostile ones, the ones who refuse to move and feel very entitled-those are the ones who live an extra long life that they don't seem to appreciate. My mother called me as I was recovering from surgery to make demands and then yelled at me and called me "selfish" when I said "no." I have spent a small fortune in therapy to finally be able to set boundaries with her despite the barrage of insults, threats and smear campaigns. She used to just save it for me, but once I stuck with my boundaries, she finally shows some of that to siblings/doctors/aides/drivers and low and behold quite a few non-family members have fired her. She has also re-written history to be the saint who isn't appreciated enough by her children.[/quote]

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