Reply to Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "Elderly MIL probably needs memory care but lives with mentally ill son "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP Here to answer additional questions:
Deed to the house is in MIL's name only.

BIL refuses to get a diagnosis or even speak to any sort of mental or physical health provider. We tried and he told them that we were trying to have him committed, but all we wanted was a diagnosis so we could look at group homes for him. He speaks to ghosts, has paranormal experiences, yells and screams irrational things at people, refuses to engage with helping his mom with anything (won't even read her mail to her), and spends all his time airing grievances against everyone and everything. He's also loud and big so he scares and intiimates people.

He can't afford the house on his own after she passes away. It will have to be sold. We might be able to buy him a condo with the proceeds, but we just don't think he can live independently. He doesn't cook, clean, pay bills, or understand that thins like power cost money. 
[/quote]

What is his job, then? It must be menial labor (if he does not understand basic things/life skills). Is he able to manage his own bank account/finances (I understand he is not paying bills)? Does he drive or take public transportation? I’m just trying to get a sense of the extent of his limitations/disability.

Regardless - it is going to take a crisis to get any forward momentum, unfortunately. If your mother has a hospitalization, you should take advantage of the social work staff there. They are mandated reporters and can loop in Adult Protective Services if her home environment is unsafe for discharge due to hoarding or if her decision-making puts her at risk (i.e. planning to depend upon your brother for whatever care she needs at home). She can also be evaluated by the psychiatry team for decision-making capacity if need be. But all of that relates to a crisis like a hospitalization; it’s a bit harder to do anything while your mom is at home. APS does step in when the hoarding gets to an extent that a home is uninhabitable or the situation is unsafe (you would likely have to report it).

I did not read the whole thread so I apologize if this was answered - is there a POA (medical and financial)? That is essential. It would enable you to step in if and when your mother loses capacity. You would be able to get her into the assisted living, sell the house, work with a rehab facility to transition your mom to long-term care, whatever the scenario. And if your mom is in the hospital and is deemed to lack capacity, you could step in as her surrogate decision-maker, not your BIL.

But again, you’re likely going to have to wait for a crisis point. There will simply be no choice - your BIL will have to move out and the chips will fall as they will. Hopefully, the bad news won’t have to come from you and he might see you as an ally to help get him out of a bad situation rather than trying to “ruin his life.”

It’s an incredibly difficult situation with no easy path or situation.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics