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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does anyone think this one is good?

LOCI Example Below:

Dear XXXX Admissions,

I hope this letter finds you well! I am grateful for the opportunity to be considered again for admission, and I’m very excited to tell you about what I’ve been up to since November!

While writing my college essays, I’ve had the opportunity to reflect on the last few years of high school so far. I started out at [Name of high school] feeling extremely overwhelmed; it seemed like everyone knew what they wanted to be when they “grew up.” To try to answer this question, I threw myself into everything, from backpacking in Yosemite for 5 days (I decided this wasn’t for me) to performing for a poetry slam. Therefore, since the first semester of senior year, I have been continuing to push myself to get out of my comfort zone, alongside maintaining all As in my classes.

I have a poster on my wall that says, “Seek Discomfort”. Since November, I led my team for [nonprofit organization] to start our first ever race, where we donated over 40 pairs of shoes to students in [location], and helped them train by running 10-15 miles a week alongside the Pacific coast. We purposely woke up at 5:30am for these sunrise runs, and we purposely pushed each runner’s limits a little further each week. We even ran into the icy cold ocean at the end of one session simply to underline the fact that being uncomfortable is the first stage in personal growth. Currently we have 8-14 students that join us consistently each week on the beach runs. We aim to grow it and have another eager underclassmen from my track and field team to take over this community so it continues to flourish even after we graduate high school.

As the older sibling to my 10-year-old step sister, I have also been spending more time babysitting her since submitting my application, because my mom is working more than ever before. Recently, my sister began to express interest in coding. As an aspiring psychology major, I have little experience, but we have been taking online classes through [Program], and we are in the process of coding a motion sensor security camera for her room using a Raspberry Pi. This is outside of my comfort zone, but we are learning and teaching each other on the weekends. It has been extremely rewarding to spend quality time with her while learning a new skill. Creating our own personal project has made me more interested in exploring how computer science (CS) can be utilized to help diagnose mental health issues and ways to offer more personalized support for those suffering. At [college name], I hope to explore the myriad of ways that CS intersects with the humanities and social sciences to create solutions that help others.

I recently had the amazing opportunity to speak to [name of alum], a graduate of [school name], to learn more about the school. His experiences in [a personal anecdote] extremely excite me, as I aspire to do the same; I’d love to pursue [a particular program at the school] by contributing back to the city of [name]. Through our meeting, I realized that students at [school name] are go-getters; they want to grow as individuals, and they continuously seek discomfort to do so. This is exactly the type of environment that I would love to contribute to. I believe that people with a growth mindset continuously push each other in a community to achieve their best selves. I’ve witnessed this power of a true, growth-oriented community through my running career and mentoring underserved youth through [nonprofit x]. Should I be admitted, I will absolutely attend and I will push my peers to be the best versions of themselves that they can be to elevate themselves, the greater community, and [school name] spirit.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my letter.

Warm Regards,

Name

https://winningivyprep.com/loci-example/[/quote]
Advisor here.
This is way too long and self involved. Honestly, parts were a little bit barfy. Others were probably redundant to app. Others no one cares. There is some good stuff here. Parse that out and eliminate the other (especially the poster narration)! I stopped reading after that paragraph.

Also, don't pay anyone thousands of dollars to help with a LOCI. That is nuts. It needs to be the kid's voice with a little guidance on content and then a feedback session.   No more than a few hundred dollars.[/quote]

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