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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I get it. I am really proud that my immigrant DH and I both managed to get into an Ivy from regular public schools and middle class backgrounds. And really proud that we could buy a teeny family house in an ok part of a neighborhood near a fancy neighborhood in a big city.

My DD came home from her private school one day and asked why her classmate lives in such a big house and why we don’t live on the same nice block by the water like her if her mom went to the same college as us. And I explained that the girl’s great-grandparents already lived in that house and were doctors when our family didn’t even live in this country yet and/or had started working in a factory as 13 year olds who couldn’t afford to finish middle school. And I reminded her that she has classmates whose parents are currently doing what her grandparents did for DH and I.

Everyone has a different path. Some paths are a bit…smoother.

The only thing wrong with being born with privilege or advantages is pretending like they don’t exist, or when children pretend it’s something they deserve or have earned.[/quote]

This is a lovely and thoughtful post, thank you.

My parents were poor and didn't go to college, but they were strivers for me and siblings, who all have graduate degrees from state flagships. I want my kid to do well, of course, but am trying to focus on her emotional health too and as a result she may have fewer "achievements" than I did - no plans for Ivy here, and certainly not an Olympian. It's ok. [/quote]

Life is about being happy.  A smart person will go far, no matter what college they attend.  We chose to allow our kids to have a Happy HS time, and pick the best fit for them college.  It's worked out well.  One wasn't T30 material and happily knew that--they knew college was needed to get a decent job as they are not Trade school interested.  But they were happy to graduate college and get into the work force and not have to deal with academia anymore.  They are doing well and we always knew they would once they got a degree (any degree really).  
The other tried for T25 schools, but was rejected or WL at them (R at one, WL at 2).  SO they are at a T40 and loving it.  They are also happy their HS path was of their own choosing.  They took 7 STEM AP and AP Psych.  Skipped the rest of the Humanities/LA AP for their sanity and the desire to get at least 5 hours of sleep during HS, and to spend 20+ hours a week dancing as their focus.  We also let them drop Spanish after year 3 (Spanish 4 was same time as Band so it wouldn't work and the AP Spanish teacher was terrible--my kid had them for Spanish 2 and no way in hell were they going to attempt AP Spanish with a teacher who could not teach). Those decisions may have prevented them getting into a T25 (no APUSH, no AP Eng, No AP FL) but my kid doesn't regret it.

[/quote]

The assumptions that everyone at an Ivy or T10 is a 'striver' and/or unhappy is ridiculous.  My kid is the least 'strivey'.  He even dropped down an Honors to regular and didn't max out APs, etc. He was very active in his sport.  Very happy and social and not stressed---didn't even have a single school he wanted to go to in Sophomore year...we asked and he'd say 'I don't know'.  He was living in the HS years.  That said--things came easier for him then others.  Very high test scores w/ little prep.  Straight As, but could get the work done in a 1/4 of the time as everyone else, etc.  He was accepted into several T10/20s and is at an Ivy now where he is very happy and still...not stressed, nor 'strivey'.  In fact, he spends so much time outdoors--w/ his club team and doing lots of social stuff.  We didn't do any private college counseling or essay help or 'design' his activities. He just did what he liked to do.

I think it's easy to just say 'oh well anyone at those schools is a striver'.  Not.  The kids he is friends with are a lot like him---naturally curious, social, very smart and get things done.[/quote]

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