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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A lot of abusers in this thread perfectly describing the abuser mindset and justification. If they lash out at their partner in any way it isn’t abuse because she or he did or didn’t do something that made them angry or frustrated and resentful and this led to them being unable to regulate their emotions so they took that anger or frustration or resentment out on their partner but it isn’t their fault and it isn’t abuse, because if he or she had just done or not done things to cause those emotions in the first place then they wouldn’t have had to have the dysregulated emotion taken out on them.[/quote]

I feel like you have been legitimately abused, but that doesn’t mean everyone on this thread has.

I have an equal partner. If we were at the grocery store, he would be with me or near me, sharing the list. The list we made together. The meals we brainstormed together. If I had a spouse like the pp’s, who goes off and leaves her with 3 kids and the actual list to manage, buys food for just himself, cooks it for just himself without making sure the little ones are fed, and then doesn’t clean up…that would drive me crazy.

If you think that the person who is doing all the shopping for the family and then cleaning up after the person who just fended for themselves and didn’t even clean up after themselves expecting someone else to do it…you think they are the victim?? Because the person carrying the physical and mental load doesn’t do it without being upset??? You need to re-examine your life. [/quote]

I meant…you think that the person fending for themselves and not cleaning up for themselves and expecting others to do so is the victim…[/quote]
dp. I think the person who feels frustrated and who takes that frustration and nags, yells or otherwise berates another person is being abusive. If a person rises to the level of public yelling, that person is out of control of their emotions and not behaving in a healthy manner. The target of the yelling is a victim, as are the bystanders and witnesses to the unhinged fockery.[/quote]

Yelling is an issue and not a healthy dynamic but this idea that it's abuse always is also a little much. Probably why so many people are dysfunctional. Most people are lazy and won't do their stuff without consequences. Most people would prefer someone yelling at them to clean up dirty dishes 15 minutes after asking them nicely to which the other person ignored and then moving on rather than holding a grudge and doing something mean behind their back like not cooking for them or leaving them because they don't know how to communicate and get the other person to cooperate. [/quote]

Most people don’t yell at each other when the other person doesn’t do what they want. My husband called on his way home and asked me Tom move the cars in the driveway (it’s Tetris) but I forgot. Was he a bit frustrated - sure but did he come in and yell at me. No. Later I had asked him to get me a drink on his way upstairs. He forgot. Did I yell at him No. he did the laundry and put the piles of laundry in their spots and reminded everyone take their pile upstairs. One of the kids left her pile as she was doing homework. Did my husband yell at her. No.

The belief that yelling at each other whenever someone frustrates you or doesn’t do as they are told or asked is just very unhealthy and abusive behaviour. No matter how you try to sugar cost me. Yelling at each other just isn’t part of how we act… nor our family and friends. There are a lot of ways to communicate other than yelling. My boss frustrates me daily, I don’t spent my day at work yelling at him. [/quote]

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