Reply to DH having affair but not home yet from “work”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He magically made it home about a half hour before I would normally be getting up for my morning workout. I won’t let him know I know what time he came in. [/quote]

Sounds like he wants to get caught. [/quote]

Probably. But I’m not giving him that luxury. He’s going to have to tell me and his child. [/quote]

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have been there and I can imagine how difficult it is. But please don't bring the child into it. Yes, they will eventually know you are divorcing (if that's where you're heading) but they DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHY. It will feel good in the moment but it could cause a lot of long-term damage to the child. Kids do best during divorce when parents minimize conflict, communicate well, and support the child's continued relationship with the other parent. Telling kids about adult issues like an affair puts them in the middle and causes mistrust with BOTH parents.[/quote]

NP. I think a young child doesn’t need to know about cheating, but teens definitely should. They will have enormous trust issues with your approach too, speaking from a personal perspective. Age-appropriate transparency is best. [/quote]

OP here, to be fair, he won’t have to tell her, but he’s going to be the one to tell her it’s his choice to break up the family. She already is irritated with him as he’s never there/here.

And why doesn’t she need to know why? He’s choosing another family over the family he made and is supposed to be a part of. AP has a child as far as I know. He choosing that kid over his own. [/quote]

I'm not an expert, but shouldn't you be working on emotionally detaching while you "do the 180"?  You're using this time to plan your next steps, but you're not planning them from a place of logic or calm.  You're reacting just as angrily as if you'd gotten into a screaming match with him the moment you found out.

Sorry your husband is a dbag.  Seriously.  But if you truly believe that this affair means he's choosing another family over your daughter, then YOU have to choose to put your daughter first, because she deserves one parent who will.  And putting her first means protecting her from being in the middle of her parents' worst moments, making this transition as calm and smooth as possible, and showing her a mom who handles adversity with strength and grace.  Good luck.[/quote]

Gaslighting a child is dangerous.

She will know dad is a POS, dad will need to either stop being a POS and put his daughter 1st or continue being a POS.

[/quote]

That's not what gaslighting means.  Making it a condition of divorce that XH sits down with DC and says "I'm choosing another child and another family over you" is insane.  OP is hopefully just venting online and not actually planning to do any of this nonsense in real life.[/quote]

Saying you didn’t choose another family over hers then daily choosing that family is gaslighting [/quote]

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