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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dh and many of my dad friends love their children and are full partners in rasing them. My father adored me and we did things together and he still calls and worries etc. Now he has added granddaughters to his circle and is such a positive influence on them. Because of this example, i tried to chose a partner who would be similar and interested in actually raising good humans.  Dh changed diapers, rocked, researched diaper creams, now is on PTA and finds activities kids will like and takes them. He does daddy daugher dinner out with each kid a couple times a hear, willingly plays teaparty but also teaches them to do pullups. And frankly many of my friends are the same and those that arent im not close to. [/quote]

This is great to hear but also I don't think it's that common.

For instance my dad was not like this at all. I think my dad barely even thinks about his kids as separate people who are deserving of his love or attention. He mostly sees our relationship only in how it impacts him. He did provide for us but I absolutely think he did this largely out of obligation. Truthfully my mom was only marginally better in terms of relationship -- again I think she thinks about her kids largely insofar as those relationships impact her. But because of the nature of the care my mom provided (direct childcare as opposed to financial support) it kind of forced her to look at us more as people and to care more about us on an individualized basis. Also women shame other women for being distant from their kids or not seeming to care about them and my mom is very susceptible to that shame. But like my dad I think she did this largely out of obligation.

I hope I am undoing the damage from that in my own family. Certainly DH and I are better than my parents were (we truly chose to become parents after considering not doing it and we also had fewer kids out of a desire to dedicate more energy and attention to the kids we have). But I still worry because unlike you we didn't have an upbringing with parents who really "adored" us. There's no blueprint. I think people who have this in their background are so lucky.[/quote]

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