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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]First off, you don't need to pay for everything when you go out.  Each pay your own except when you have the kids alone then you pay.  You invite, your choice.  Stop hosting and inviting.[/quote]

+1 -- stop insisting on paying. That's actually weird and I would find it stressful if another family was always insisting on paying for outings (and then privately seething because we are not reciprocating -- if it's a joint outing then why wouldn't we all just pay our own way).

Likewise when you host at home do it in a way that is more communal and then it matters less if they are able to host at their home in the same way. Host but ask if they can bring dessert or a salad. Say "hey if you have any yard games for the kids you should bring them!" in order to communicate that it can be a joint effort. This can take some of the pressure off you and also gives them ways to contribute without having to feel like they have to be able to host you in the exact same way in order to reciprocate.[/quote]

I think what’s being suggested is that if you never host and constantly take because you have a small home, or can’t plan, or don’t like having people over,  or whatever over that you could reciprocate by picking up a bill once in awhile.[/quote]

I host all the time because I enjoy hosting and I would find it super weird if I was out to dinner with a couple and they offered to pick up the bill.  Not sure why?  They don't seem analogous[/quote]

+1, these are different things. When we go out with other families or couples we generally go dutch except in rare circumstances where there is a special reason on family treats.

Hosting in homes in s a separate thing and people who like and can more easily host do. Others who don't host contribute to these gatherings in other ways (bringing alcohol or specific dishes, just being helpful and pleasant guests and helping entertain kids or helping grill or helping set up or take down). Some people are better at hosting and others are better at being guests and you need both. I think it's as much a function of personality as resources.[/quote]

Op here. There are families who just never offer anything for the years we have known them. We know families whose kids we have hosted, taken out to eat, fed in our home so many times and the other family never invites or hosts or takes my kid out. I have one friend who I met a decade ago who happily accepts any and all invitations but has never once invited me to anything. She is a good guest and brings cookies and if we go out, always pays her share. She has never treated me to anything in the decade I have known her. We have probably hosted her in my home 50+ times. [/quote]

You are talking about different things here.

First if you are inviting another kid out and paying their way you should understand this isn't that common. I have done that for a few of my kids' friends usually for a birthday but it has never occurred to me that they would then invite my kid for something. I did that stuff FOR my kid -- she wanted to go to the movies or to a nail salon for her birthday so we invited a couple of her friends and I foot the bill because it was for her birthday. I know not all families want to or can do stuff like that (I think being a parent of an only is a factor here) so it's never even crossed my mind that my kid doesn't get those invites. I just don't think that's something all families do.

as for the friend who never invites you to things -- does she invite anyone to things? It sounds to me like she is just more of a guest than a host. This is how it is -- not everyone hosts. If she's a good guest and gracious and brings a gift she's already doing better than a lot of people. If she is a good friend otherwise (listens to you and cares about you) the I just don't see why it matters if she has you to her home or not.

And since she pays her own way when you go out then why bother hosting at all if the lack of reciprocation bugs you. Just go out with her and no one hosts and everyone pays for themselves and then there's no unevenness. Fixating on her doing this thing that you do but that she clearly does not want to do is not a good way to conduct a friendship. You are not going to turn her into a host by getting mad at her for not hosting. She doesn't want to host. Let it go.[/quote]

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