Reply to Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

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Reply to "Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I wouldn’t want to be equal on that basis. I’d want to be better than that. 
[/quote]

You don’t get it. It’s not about being “better than.” It’s getting to expand your horizons just like your spouse did. For that matter, a relationship premised forever on you being better than your spouse doesn’t sound that great. [/quote]

You don’t get it.

You are just trying to justify revenge cheating. Why?  Do whatever you want. You asked what others would do and they answered. They aren’t arguing with you over what you have done or want to do. Go ahead. Have at it. 
[/quote]

It’s not “revenge” cheating in OP’s scenario. It’s just, having a (hopefully) very fun fling to clear the air and regain some agency. I realize that for most women the stars do not always align to find a ONS partner that will provide that, but if the opportunity presented itself? Nobody will fault you. And it seems potentially a more healthy response than spending the rest of your life primly insisting you would never ever stoop to such a level that your craven spouse did. [/quote]

Regain some agency?  In this scenario the way to regain agency is to leave the cheater.[/quote]

I just find this a really curious attitude. I generally roll my eyes at “open marriage” people, but the one scenario I can personally imagine it making a ton of sense is in the wake of an affair (provided the opportunity). I’d much rather replace thoughts of betrayal with memories of a nice fling. Not sure why this is a worse outcome than tanking the marriage. [/quote]

Does your view really make sense?

If having a revenge affair is a “nice fling,” then why would you be upset enough about your spouse having an affair that you would want “revenge?”

Either an affair is a gross betrayal of the person you love or it is sexy tempting fun.  Acknowledging that perhaps it is both adds some nuance to the conversation that most people who are betrayed don’t seem to feel.  If you think that it is a ton of fun, why do you blame your spouse for trying it?  If you think that the experience of sleeping around outside the marriage has inherent value, does that mean you understand why your spouse gave in and did it?  Let them know that it sounds fun and you’re going to try it out too.  What is the point of sneaking around?  That creates guilt.  Just open the marriage in that case.[/quote]

An affair is sexy tempting fun to the one having it. To the other partner it’s not a shocking betrayal if they themselves had an affair. It’s not a gross beytrayal because the other spouse already opened the door - that’s the whole argument. [/quote]

My opinion- and I’m not a psychologist so it might just be super worthless- is that the person who didn’t cheat has a higher standard of integrity, so cheating out of anger/revenge may initially FEEL fun but would just leave behind a bad taste.  Which isn’t fair.  But everything about this scenario is unfair.[/quote]

If someone is going to forever feel that they have more integrity than their spouse and they are going to ride that hobby horse forevvvver, that sounds like a miserable marriage. May as well call it quits.

I don’t see how you could recover from an affair while forever seeing your spouse as morally inferior to you.  I think  that in one way or another, you have to come around to seeing the affair as a mistake based on the attraction of sex and romance. One way (not the only way) to do that would be to have a fling yourself. Then yeah - you move on with a better understanding of sex and marriage. [/quote]

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