Reply to My SO is upset with me over the silliest/dumbest thing

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's not the silliest thing to her. If you want to stay in this relationship, just know next time she has a big first day of school kind of thing that she wants you to check in.

It's really not that hard.

My husband had to learn this, too. I was giving a presentation at a big conference a couple of years ago and he didn't text me that morning to say good luck - or check in later to see how it went. He told me he had no idea I'd want that. Now he knows and when I'm presenting at a conference he just texts me to say good luck.

People have to learn what matters to each other. That's being in a relationship.[/quote]

Oooh.. This gets at the issue nicely that I and many men have with women. Why do you need to be texted and told good luck by your husband? I do.many conferences and all kinds of high viz high pressure work and my wife is SAH. I have no expectations for her to text me or wish me luck or ask how it goes. If she does great, nice. If she doesnt then fine too. I dont impose some expectatons of her having to do something every time I've got something going on. I dont call her out over it and expect stuff like this from.her. Over the years Ive ended up with mental lists of all the things my wife expects me to do around her daily journey... or else I fail and then she is put out or we argue that I'm uncaring, yet that never happens in the reverse. Why is his "good luck" and "how did it go" a need to have instead of "nice to have"? How many other nice to have things are on your husband's need to have list or else you are put out and he has failed. My list from my wife has dozens of things. Her list from me has none. We have a great relationship and 25 year marriage but this underlying unspoken book.of control rules has led to.many arguments all on the side due to her expecations on me. And i so often find that dang... i tripped a trip wire. she is giving me the stare and disappointed look and silent treatment tonight because i didnt think to do #22 on the list. (#22 violation is i bought her birthday card at the last minuteon my way home from work an just signed it before i gave it to her which indicates that her birthday isnt really important to me because if it was i would have gotten and written the card days in advance like she does for mine). So my hidden control is be sure to buy cards in advance or at least try to hide the purchase time sufficiently so the card actully shows that I care. [/quote]

Because I don't give presentations all the time - and it was my first time back at a big conference since before the pandemic. He saw how hard I'd worked to get ready, and an acknolwdgement that this was important to ME would have been appropriate.

I publish articles all the time so I don't need him to be like "great job baby" every time something comes out with my name on it. But before I published articles all the time - yes, something to say "this is special to you so it's special to me!" is good!

A first day of a new job is special! At least it was to OP's partner. Why is it such a chore to make them feel special about it?

Know your spouse, is all! If you don't care that's fine. If someone else does care then try to support that! It's not exactly asking the world to do these little things. And I would bet you have no idea what your wife wants in terms of these things. She's probably so used to you not paying any attention that she's just stopped even thinking of it as possible. Or maybe not! You know your spouse. OP's partner is saying, explicitly, here's what means something to me - do it or don't, then![/quote]

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