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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

But I do believe, supported by both evidence from my own life, observation of others, and psychological studies, that people do best in life when they feel comfortable in their own skin, accepted and loved by their support system, and feel like they have agency in they own lives. Is this the way to make an investment banker? Probably not, no. But if you can love and support your kids, provide firm boundaries and guidance, and allow them independence to be their own people, I think you have the best shot at them becoming adults who will be able to set and achieve their goals (or recalibrate when necessary in the face of failure, instead of melting down).[/quote]

Seriously, who wants to raise an investment banker?   But accepted and loved and comfortable in their own skin is important.  That’s easy if they never leave the house.   The negative forces out there start to wear some people down.   Maybe your child wants to be a farmer but he’s in a school full of investment banker wannabes who ridicule his dream every day.  Or the kid that’s a little odd looking but is or was happy until no one would play with her because she was “scary” looking.  The constant cruelty is like a daily war.

Sometimes it’s not the parents fault their child isn’t doing well.  Sometimes it’s the hurt and nastiness of people out in the world that pick the life out of them.  [/quote]

I don't want to lecture, but parents can support their kids even through difficulties like this so that they can come out the other side liking themselves and comfortable in their own skin.

If your kid is not accepted by peers, or is consistently being bullied or harassed, you need to get in there and address these issues. You find your farm-loving kid some kind of program where they can be around other farm-loving kids, and you remind them regularly that you accept them for who they are and don't care if they don't want to be an investment banker like their classmates. If it's really bad, you consider moving your kid to another school with more variety where there's a greater chance they find their place. If your kid is being bullied for ostracized for their looks, you stick up for them, find ways for them to appreciate non-aesthetic things about themselves, provide them for support for looking their best, whatever you need to give them a shot at feeling good about themselves and learning to let that kind of criticism and cruelty go.

Above all, I think one of the most important things parents can do is create a home that is a haven for kids, whatever they encounter in the world. A place where they are loved and can be themselves. I think the biggest mistake I see parents making is trying to "toughen up" their kids by being hard to them, trying to prepare them for the cruelty of the world by building cruelty into family life. This will not work. You break kids this way. Even if a kid gets very "tough" as a result of this, it's a fragile toughness because now they have nowhere to go where they can be vulnerable, where they can lick wounds or build themselves up. You need to offer your kids a safe haven because the world IS cruel and they'll have to deal with that cruelty. Provide at least one place where they can escape it.[/quote]

Amen.

Kids sense of self and inner confidence can really blossom in high school. Let that happen, with guardrails so it’s the positive stuff! [/quote]

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