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[quote=Anonymous]This isn't a colleague, but I have a very old friend (like 20 years) and a long time ago we had a mutual crush on each other. We discussed it more than once and before either of us met our current spouses, we had two non-sexual but very charged encounters. The timing wasn't right and those feelings shifted for both of us, and then we both met our current partners. We stayed friends, though -- we really care about each other. I'm friends with his wife and he's friends with my husband.

We don't have that tension now and haven't in a long time. But I'm aware it could come back. So I have some rules for myself. I never do anything with this friend that I wouldn't do in front of my husband. I don't talk about things I haven't already discussed with my husband. When I text with this friend, I usually tell my husband (something like "oh Larlo told me something funny from work today, let me show you the text..."). It's just automatic. It's a way to keep myself honest.

I do it both to protect my marriage AND to protect this friendship, which really does matter to me. If that tension ever came back, I think I'd have to step away from the friendship. My marriage comes first. But it would make me so sad -- this is one of my oldest friends, and while that attraction likely formed some of the original basis of our friendship, it's based on much more than that now.

I would suggest setting up some rules like this for yourself. It will allow you to keep this friendship without harming your marriage. But I also suspect that you are enjoying the kind of illicit nature of the relationship right now, and sharing these texts with your spouse and telling you spouse about interactions with this "friend" would raise more questions that you might not want to answer. And that right there should tell you what you need to know.[/quote]

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