Reply to When successful men with demanding jobs (doctor, lawyer) divorce, what usually causes it?

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Reply to "When successful men with demanding jobs (doctor, lawyer) divorce, what usually causes it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For MDs it’s because usually the other spouse doesn’t realize the amount of work and hours involved in being a doctor and having to deal with that and on call shifts ends up wearing on people. [/quote]

I do agree that this is hard if your social circle doesn’t include other MD’s.  People can be really judgmental about DH not being there for parent-teacher conferences or trick-or-treat or whatever.  
He goes to things when he can, but his time off is scheduled months to a year in advance, there is minimal flexibility, and he has to be there in person.  
It’s hard to stand up to friend and family telling you that your spouse is inconsiderate or a jerk.  Especially if you are feeling annoyed with them yourself.  
I can only imagine this is worse when it’s the woman who is in medicine and leaving a lot of traditional female tasks to her husband.  
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I do think expectations are a big part of it, but so is peer group. Back in the day, all the doctors' wives and partners' wives would socialize together a bit more, there was mutual understanding. I feel like social groups are more diverse now and it's less straightforward. There are way more women in these fields and that changes the dynamics a lot. I was at a party this weekend where the hosts were a Big law partner and his wife (who works part-time in a very flexible job) and the remarkable thing was how none of the other couple there had that set up. My DH and I are both attorneys (I'm a fed, he works for an NGO). Another woman there is very high up at a consulting firm and her DH is a SAHD. Lots of other dual-income couples, though none involving Big Law partners (I think it's really hard to sustain two jobs when that's one of them). We all have kids around the same ages and I think there's a lot of silent comparing and contrasting with family set up. There is envy of people with more work flexibility because it can mean more time with kids, easier marriage dynamics, easier to take vacations. If the incomes are still high, it seems like an obvious win-win. The families with less flexibility, whether because of two jobs that must be maneuvered around, or one huge job that just kind of dominates everything, I think it's harder and leads to more discord if there are kids. And then it's a question of the ability to communicate, compromise, work it out, avoid resentment, etc. It's just harder. These jobs are hard on families and we no longer live in a world where they are universally facilitated by a full time SAH wife and mother who views it as her role to not only handle the home and kids but also to facilitate the furtherance of her husband's career. It's just a very different approach to marriage and career.[/quote]

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