Reply to How do parents avoid raising entitled, self-absorbed adults?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I actually don't know and struggle with this. Just has a huge talk with ds and dd just yesterday about money. I knew something was wrong, and finally got to the root of it: They think we are loaded and cheap, and ds especially is resentful, and jealous of his friends who get so much more. No amount of talking to him about how saving is important, talking about expenses in life like mortgage, emergency repair, a car breaking down, would convince him we are not in fact so loaded we should spend much more freely. He is very materialistic as well. We are not, I shop at Goodwill and TJ Maxx because that is what I like. He looks down on it. DD was entirely different in her approach and she got it. Her main concern is that she too can be too frugal and not spend her money. I went to bed thinking that dd was raised right, and ds wasn't. We're the same parents to both. I fear how he'll be as an adult.[/quote]

Is he surrounded by people that either have more than you or spend a lot more than you? It's a tough situation for a kid to handle. He may be more sensitive than your daughter in picking up social cues and/or have a harder time dealing with big emotions. [/quote]

I think we are making slightly more than a lot of people but also are younger and have different benefits so it’s hard to say. Our area is not ultra wealthy, homes all under 1 mil and that’s not ours which we paid half that for. Yes, I would say people spend more as a whole. He claims only his friends whose parents are much less well off have as little as he has, does not understand why we do not spend more. We do spend a lot to visit my family abroad and just has a ski trip this winter, mostly for his sake. [/quote]

It's hard even for adults to cope with feeling like they are at the bottom of the social pecking order. Just look at this forum how many posts there are about comparing houses, vacations, cars, schools and feeling inadequate etc. In your son's case he feels like you are putting him at the bottom of the pecking order even though you have the means not to. I don't think you need to indulge him, but try to understand his feelings. At the end of the day he sees the majority of the adults that sorround him on a day to day basis approach money differently than you.[/quote]

I personally don't find it hard at all because i like what I do have. I understand envy to some extent, but not to the extent of actually telling my parents I feel entitled to their money and they should spend more on me and I should spend my money differently and x and y way.[/quote]

I'm guessing you're an adult. Sounds like PP's son is not.

Also, people have different priorities and values.  And as much as we try as parents to convey our priorities and values to our kids, they are not us. They are different people with their own personalities, opinions, priorities, and values.

It can be hard when the "apple falls far from the tree" that way. When you feel good about your values, it can be upsetting if your kid does not share them. (Think Alex P. Keaton in Family Ties! LOL)

But the fact the PP's son has different priorities and values around money does not mean he's "wrong" or that his parents somehow messed up with him compared to his sister. Different doesn't have to equal wrong here.

All that said, he is not ENTITLED to change his parents' behavior to suit his values. It's kind that they compromised a bit by taking a ski trip he would enjoy, even if it's not what they would have done otherwise. But in general, he doesn't get to decide how his parents spend their money.  Life doesn't work that way.

My advice to PP: Empathize with DS. "I know this is hard for you. You'd be doing this very differently if you were in charge of how we spend money. We get that and we're trying to take it into consideration. But DH/DW and I look at money and spending differently than you do. Neither way is right or wrong. It's just differently. So when you're out of college and on your own, you can totally however you want, to the extent you can afford it. I can totally picture that, actually! But for now, you're part of this family. And this is how we roll."
 [/quote]

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