Reply to Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]At some point everyone is responsible for their own actions and decisions. You can blame bad parenting or tough circumstances but every single person eventually has to own up to their own choices. The parents may have coddled and spoiled one kid to oblivion, but IMO that is not an excuse for a 35 year old + to sit on their @ss all day, taking money from their parents.

I have one sibling like this and another sort of 50% like this. However I was not coddled at all and basically forced to grow up and be financially independent at 18 (my parents paid 0 for my college, and that’s ok). I am thankful they didn’t coddle me, but some of it is just my personality to want to be independent. My 50% taker sibling will take as min as you hand out but once the well runs dry suddenly she CAN find a job. My other sibling is mean, angry, rude and insufferable. He’s the baby, at 42. He SOMETIMES drives for grubhub but otherwise just spends my mother’s money (and she gives it to him). He just feels entitled to not having to work but getting whatever he wants. Are my parents to blame? Sure but at his age so is he. [/quote]

Agree with this. I think describing what the entitlement looks like in person makes a difference.

My BIL has no business living with his mom, who does not want or need him there. But he has a temper, and it comes out when he feels bad about himself, and nothing makes him feel worse about himself than pointing out that he's a 48 year old man living in his mother's house and he needs to move out. So the situation persists because every time the prospect of him moving out arises, he has an outburst and many people (not us, but my MIL and other family members) rush to placate him in order to calm him down, and the upshot is that he stays.

He is absolutely capable of living on his own, and has done it successfully before. He is scared of it, and he also has an immense amount of pride that feels threatened by the reality of what he could afford if he lived independently. It's easier on his ego to stay with his mom and convince himself he's doing it for her (he is not, she would like to sell her home and move into assisted living and has stated this several times). He is also afraid of losing her house, which he does not want her to sell, so he stays to keep a physical hold on this thing he views as belonging to him.

It is a choice. The reason some of you who are urging empathy and patience are getting pushback is that these are people who have often been treated with a ton of empathy and patience for many decades, and that's why they are in this situation. At some point, people needed to set boundaries with them and chose not to because it was easier. But those boundaries would have worked. They just never happened.[/quote]

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