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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s so clear from everyone’s descriptions of their “freeloading”, “lazy” siblings that these folks are not well and mental health issues and/or developmental disabilities. [/quote]

First, it's not clear.

Second, some of us have mental health issues of our own. I have had depression since I was a teenager. Ir have ADHD. What I have -- the stable family, the career, the financial stability-- was not something I lucked into or came easily to me. It took work and grit. I'll be damned if I'm sacrificing my future, or my kids' future, for someone who received help for many years while I was left to fend for myself. I built a life for myself and it was not easy. I want to be able to help own children as no one ever helped me. Supporting my entitled BIL who has successfully browbeaten my MIL into supporting him is not an obligation I feel I have. They can sort out their dysfunctional codependence however they want, but I don't owe them anything here.[/quote]
[b]Who said you owed them anything??[/b]
You working hard and working through your challenges is wonderful and says a lot about your grit and resilience. But exactly what does that have to do with your BIL’s situation?
I had a now deceased parent that my grandparents enabled and coddled their entire life. This parent was not their best self or best parent they could be ba cause of this on top of whatever depression/emotional issues I suspect they had.
I did not get what I “should have” but I have no bitterness. I feel sorry for them, because I realize they did not either.
We can have empathy and draw firm boundaries all at the same time.
Bitterness burns a hole in us not the other person.[/quote]

In my case, my FIL tried to browbeat my DH into agreeing to take on care for my BIL. In OP's case, the parents are also trying to get OP to agree to take this one. The reason this becomes an issue is because the parents who have enabled the behavior for decades suddenly realize that once they die, these full grown adults will want/need a caretaker, and they often turn to the adult children they've ignored for those same decades for this service.

I can have empathy but I have to steal myself to say "no" when I know the question is coming or has already been asked. I do actually feel very bad for my BIL, who I think has been robbed of a much better life by his parents' decision to coddle instead of setting firm boundaries and forcing him to stand on his own feet.

Do you know how some of us discover that this expectation has been placed on us, sometimes without us even knowing? When we have kids and discover family members are actually angry at us for having children because they know it will make it easier for us to say no to taking on caretaking of capable adults, and will leave less money, space, and bandwidth for the never-launched siblings we are being asked to care for. You want to talk about bitterness and resentment? Consider that my MIL and BIL both resent the existence of my children because it has screwed up their plans.[/quote]

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