Reply to I recently realized that my 13 y.o. daughter is comparing her attractiveness to mine, so I need to step up my game

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Reply to "I recently realized that my 13 y.o. daughter is comparing her attractiveness to mine, so I need to step up my game "

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The responses are divided between:

1. Wise people who know that appearances count and who can find ways to manage societal expectations as well as teen angst about same, so their daughters are aware what portion of intelligence, kindness and looks may contribute to their future success.

2. Insecure, foolish, women triggered by the fact others may or may not be prettier, and who strenuously insist that girls should be raised to be blind to appearances and only look at the beauty within. WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

[/quote]
Huh? The posters who aren't falling over themselves to brag about how hot they are (#1) are not insecure foolish women. They are women who take issue with the fact that OP wants to compete with her teen daughter in some sort of fictional beauty contest. They are taking issue with the fact that OP clearly has deep seated issues with her own mothers appearance, and has now passed that along to her young child. [/quote]

DP, but anyone criticizing OP for wanting to compete with her DD is misreading. As OP has explained, it's not about feeling threatened by her DD or wanting to be seen as better looking than her (at all, OP hasn't said anything even hinting about this).

As OP put it, and some of us have properly understood, it's about wanting her DD to feel proud of her mom and not embarrassed by her looks. It's about feeling pressure to meet her DD's expectations about how women look. Now, that's complicated and I can see an argument against it (her DD is subscribing to culture expectations of women, should OP be trying to meet those expectations?) but I also totally understand it as a mom to a daughter. I don't feel in competition with my DD at all and I don't need her to love or approve of my appearance all the time, but I also don't want her to be embarrassed by me (as I was at times by my own mom who had a mental health disorder and put no effort into her appearance).

With my mom, I worried that people would see her and judge me by what they thought of her. And I knew enough about the world to know my mom was judged harshly. Now it would be great if I was so self-possessed and empathetic as a teenager that I could have said "screw them, it's none of their business and if they judge us, their loss." But I was also raised by a woman with a mental health disorder and had my own insecurities and issues due to years of neglect and other issues, and instead I deeply feared that my mom would bar me from entry into functional communities because they'd see her and decide I wasn't the right kind of people. I knew I would need community and support in life because I didn't have it in my family, and I saw my mom as an obstacle to getting it.[/quote]

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