Reply to How to ensure my kids inherit my money if my husband remarried and died?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this. [/quote]

Fathers almost never protect their adult kids financially when a new spouse comes into the picture.  They might put trusts in place, but they are easily accessed by the new wife.  [/quote]

A man wants to teach his kids how to fish. If they learn, great! If they don't, oh well, they are adults and will figure it out. Mothers, otoh, want to feed their kids fish throughout the kids' lives. That mindset difference manifests in different ways including the one you describe. [/quote]

And that's fine if he only feeds his new wife his half of the fish.[/quote]

What if he was the high earner during the marriage? Say they got married at 25, he worked his ass off, made millions while she worked a good job, took time off for kids, etc and they end up in a situation (at 55) where savings/investments titled in his name are, say $ 5mil and those in her name are $1mil (let's ignore 401K and house for now). In what world will a husband (or a wife for that matter) want to give up control of $2mil just so the other spouse feels happy that their adult kids get an inheritance at the expense of giving up control of money he may well need in his 90s? What are the wife's options, then? Go to court and file for a divorce over a hypothetical 'what if I die first' scenario?  :roll:   I can fully understand how this situation would not be an issue if their savings were, say double what it is now. I can see him transferring $2m to the new trust and he still has more than enough 'just in case' money. [/quote]

He can use what's in the trust until he's in his 90s or whatever, the aim is to not have it accessible to a 2nd party who wasn't part of the marriage earning .  Having a wife to care for children and the house provides a financial value that isn't reflected in the accounts.  In what world does a person--husband or wife-- want the extra share of their money to go to a person and the kids of a person they don't know?  I've been an equal contributer to our family assets, but I can appreciate the perspective of a SAHP who adds value that is not 'counted' in the assets.[/quote]

Not disagreeing with you, nor the reasons why SAHPs choose to be so and have what they have. Statistics/anecdotes notwithstanding, it also appears that [b]most women on here have already made up their minds that any second wife is pretty much after DH's money which needs to be 'protected' from her and that the lack of trust in DH's ability/judgment in taking care of his kids.[/b] In my personal situation, I'll likely outlive DH given the longevity in both sides of my family (90+), DH's side (not as stellar as mine), and the fact that he's 5 years older than I. Also, if I do bring this up and ask for a 'transfer', his response will be "I'm not an idiot" and that will be the end of the conversation. 
[/quote]

It's not that our minds are made up, it's just that we see it happen regularly among 'good guys' we know.   It's not even that the new wife is out for their money--it's just the reality, he loves her and wants her to be set up okay financially and thinks of all the money as his now, not that half of it was his late wife's and she wanted it to go to their adult kids/grandchildren.  And she might need the money. He might say he wants it for his new wife for her life and then vaguely back to his kids, but that just doesn't happen or she's only 10 years older than them and it's all long gone/intermingled by the time she passes on and her will is focused on her kids.  I expect to outlive my DH too---I have people who live over 100 in my family, most live to mid 90s and  the few great aunts and uncles or whatever who died in their 80s people say 'they died young,'--and my DH is older than me with less longevity in the family.  But  I want our bases covered.

Asking for a transfer seems weird, but I would just suggest that you talk to your husband and estate lawyer during estate planning, you ask questions about what happens in the case of one of us dying and the other remarrying--how do we make sure some of the assets go to the kids?  At least get on the same page about what you want to happen and then the mechanisms for making that happen.  If he starts to picture you falling prey in your grieving widowhood to some scamming guy, he might want some of the assets in the kids' hands too for your and their protection.

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