Reply to Does true love actually exist anymore?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The problem with most women (and some men) is they date to marry.  It's a bad way of looking at relationships.

Marriage is a RESULT of getting to know someone over a long period of time and realizing both of you would be able to live together forever.  This means truly understanding that person's real self, but the fake person they present during dating.
[b]
The issue is most women say they will only date men they "will marry".  Here's the issue.  You have to be in a relationship long enough to see that.  Dating someone 1-5 times and thinking you know the person is naive.  You're not seeing 75% of the real person in one month or even a couple months.[/b]

I have always pushed for the thinking of dating to be in a relationship.  Now, if that relationship leads to marriage - great.  If not, then you move on.  And yes, time matters but that's not something you can control.  If you're sole goal is to date only someone you will marry you will likely be alone.  I guarantee many people dated people and discarded them well before they got to know them...and a portion of those people would have made great spouses.[/quote]

TBH I think you may be looking at the message the opposite way.
For me, when I say that I dated only men I would consider marrying, it was a tool of elimination/de-selection, not a tool of selection.
In other words, I conced that at the beginning, I couldn’t possibly know a guy long enough to truly know if he is my life match—but with a marriage mindset, I could easily eliminate guys who are not in that small pool by knowing in advance that—in addition to someone who makes my heart skip a beat (yes, the chemical/physical attraction needs to be there on some level), I want to marry a college-educated and/or career-driven non-smoking Christian who has a good sense of humor, is kind to old people and restaurant waiters/waitresses 😁, and is maybe the occasional social drinker who loves to travel. Love of sports and outdoor hiking completely optional….but if his affinity for these two requires my enthusiastic participation, we would not be a good match.

This was my basic blueprint. And most of these things can be know-able pretty early.

IMO, when women are in the mindset of knowing what they want in a marriage partner, then they are less likely to “fall for” someone who does not meet this criteria. How? You just resolve not to date or spend significant time with men who don’t meet it. That’s all. And it doesn’t need to be so specific that you immediately box yourself in. But yes, having a basic idea that your values, background, and goals align—before getting so deep into dating that you are looking for ways to ignore that they don’t—is helpful in building a life with someone.

The heart wants what it wants, but marriage is more than infatuation. And you can guide your heart.[/quote]

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