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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm so sorry OP.

Both of my parents are gone now, after several years of stress, crises, arguments about care, choices I didn't agree with, etc... It's awful.

Here's my two cents:
- you cannot save your parents from who they are and the choices they have made
- your parents spent a lifetime keeping you at bay, not letting you see the truth of what/how they were living. Your father sounds complicit in that.
- You're left trying to change patterns/decisions/attitudes that they have spent decades building. You're wanting to behave (laudably) in ways they have never allowed - even when they are well. So you're not going to be able to reason with your mom, and that is not your fault. In a very real sense this current reality is what they chose and what they built. Your mom will reap what she has sown. I know that sounds terribly harsh, but it's true. If they never let you in then you can't possibly effect a 180degree turnaround now. No one could.

I agree w/ all the posters who said that it will take some sort of crisis to precipitate a situation where you can actually take action or influence an outcome. with any luck that crisis will "just" be a fall, or her locking herself out, or a utility being shut off.

So you can't save her from herself. But you definitely can prepare for what you know is likely in the near future - and you're already doing that. Establishing relationships w/ the attorneys, doctors, neighbors, key friends, etc... will all pay dividends when you have to step in. Given the size of the town, it might even be worth talking w/ the Chief of Police. They are often frontline w/ situations so knowing you have concerns, knowing how to reach you, knowing what you would want them to do (take her to a hospital for instance, rather than letting her go home) might help you at a critical moment.

Documenting the things that concern you now, and any feedback you get from those folks in the next few weeks/months will be good. (There may come a time when it will be helpful to cite reasons why it is not safe for her to live alone - lockouts, falls, stove left on, erratic behavior, etc... Specifics will be helpful.)

Take pictures of utility bills, bank account statements, even her credit cards, may be useful. If you need to pay bills having account numbers will help, passwords are also important if you can find them.

Get a small notebook and put all that utility/credit card/bank account info in it. Keep a list of doctors/attorneys/police/neighbors in there so you have it all handy. Have your parents' social security numbers handy, along w/ the names of their parents, their mothers' maiden names if you can find them, etc...

You might also look into whether there are any geriatric care managers in your mother's area (https://www.aginglifecare.org). She might not accept help (though sometimes people will take help from a stranger in a way they won't from a family member or friend) but someone w/ that expertise could be a great resource for you now, and when the crisis comes.

It was important for me to remember that my parents were adults, who made decisions for themselves that determined a great deal about their last few years. I respected their right to do that, even when I disagreed with them. And I reminded myself that fundamentally I couldn't control what happened.

So, safety first - do anything you can to ensure she's safe now and has a safety net in place. (Sounds like you're doing a lot of that.) Line up resources so that when you are eventually in a position to make decisions on her behalf you have the resources and info you need. Then let yourself off the hook. You did not create this scenario - your parents did. You will do your best, whenever you are able, but you can only do what is possible. Do not beat yourself up for choices they made.

One of the most helpful things anyone ever said to me when I was in similar weeds, was a post here on DCUM. They said "you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." For some reason that became a touchstone for me in terms of maintaining my own sanity, my family's well-being, my job, etc...  I hope you can find something similar to help you maintain equilibrium.

Good luck!! I hope your mom will avoid serious nightmares and that eventually you will be able to feel more in charge. No matter what, this too shall pass and I'm here to tell you that there is peace on the other side. It will be bumpy, but you will get there.[/quote]
I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to write this. Your words are such a comfort to me. You totally get what I’m going through. I’m sorry that your insight is no doubt the result of your own traumatic experience. Thank you for channeling your grief into kindness and generosity to a total stranger.
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