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[quote=Anonymous]The best thing you can do is read up on the disease and understand it, because right now I think you're taking a lot of things personally (which is normal, it sounds like you had a really complex relationship with her). I understand your mom wasn't the best person, but once dementia/Alzheimer's hits even the nicest mom can turn into a nightmare. Therapy ASAP, because if you want to take this on, you have to separate "old mom" from "new mom" and grow a lot of calluses.

When you first experience the disease, you think it's just forgetfulness. It's so much more than that, and key behavioral features will be anger, apathy, agitation, anger, anxiety, etc. The 36 Hour Day is one of the more popular books. From personal experience, the early/mid stages always magnetize personality traits that were already there for better or for worse. Think of it like second childhood, and she is in the toddler stage where they have nonsensical meltdowns over the most random things and need a routine that is painfully predictable.

Her mind and emotions are not working correctly, and don't push her. Go low info on her. It is so tough in the early stages because they can be so with it but they aren't. But that will change over time sadly.

For example, if you want to do a celebration of life for your dad, do it on your own and don't invite her. If she doesn't want to talk to her friends, that's normal for the disease. They stop being able to relate to other people (lose empathy), and even remember who they are. Sometimes "I don't want to" is a cover for "I can't anymore." When she acts very upset over your food being in the fridge, don't take it personally. Just remind yourself that changes in routine have always been upsetting to her, and now even more so (trait magnetized).

If you can afford it, I would not stay in her house. Give her space. In time she might not even remember your current visit or the disease will progress and you will be dealing with other issues. My relative who was just like your mom and a nightmare to deal with is now very happy and loving again -- with enough medication and memory care.

Definitely try to get the POA if you can, but it's going to be a really delicate situation. If she has a trusted person who isn't you, could they be the POA and then subdelegate it to you? This would only be if there was someone you and she really trusted. And find a new lawyer, because any lawyer who wants to delay a POA signing for someone with cognitive issues is insane to me. Why would you wait until the person is truly incapacitated?

You are an absolute angel for taking all this on. It's tough and awful. Especially on the heels of your dad's traumatic death. You are doing the best you can to care for her! It's okay to be selfish also, and to think of this as your way of protecting your nest egg, since I assume you will be the inheritor. [/quote]

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