Reply to I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?

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Reply to "I have a tumor, DH doesn't care. WWYD?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He's probably terrified.  I'd talk to a therapist instead of him.[/quote]

This op his terrified of losing you

Scared for the kids

Traumatized by the last time and he doesn't know how to express those emotions so it comes across as anger.

A therapist is a good idea to process your own feelings and how to deal with your husband and kids.

Ideally everyone would be in something. Would he do family therapy for the kids?
Your doctor's office and treatment center  should be able to help setting this up.[/quote]

This, all of this, OP. I realize YOU are terrified too. But if you can possibly find a tiny bit of grace for him, and the fact he is communicating terribly (as in, not at all), and that lack may be about love of and fear for you and the kids -- exercise that grace. I know, you are the patient, not him! And this sucks on every level. But divorce over this would be so, so rash.

I'm not excusing anger or curtness, to be clear. But I agree with PP above and others saying, therapy for you is job one. Talk to the therapist about how to approach your DH so you can start to get some of what you need from him.

OP, is he a "problem solver" type of person? Sometimes there are people who are not good at simply allowing their partner to vent; those people might feel they have to come up with solutions and concrete actions to take. If they're told "I just want you to listen to me," they don't compute that when they jump in with "Have you tried this? Have you asked the doctor that?" it's actually not helpful. Speaking VERY generically, often men feel the need to problem-solve (and get frustrated when asked to stop that and just show sympathy) and often women want to vent and talk things out without needing to attack each vent  and concern as a Problem To Be Solved. If there's any of that dynamic, not just now but overall -- please see that it, and fear, may be what's behind what you're perceiving as not caring. He may be deeply upset and feel powerless that he can't problem-solve to help you. I know it seems counterintuitive for his upset to come out as anger with you, but that's not actually terribly unusual for many people.

Also I think a lot of your post is a good script for approaching this with him. I see that he gets combative when you bring it up -- that really does sound like fear manifesting as anger. He may feel (though he may not realize he feels) that talking about the tumor and treatment makes it all too real and immediate and he's trying not to think about it, especially since you had a previous cancer and treatment. Maybe individual therapy for you and couples therapy--especially if you can locate a therapist with experience where there is a serious medical condition involved. [/quote]

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