Reply to If I wait to tell my parents about my DD's possible diagnosis until after formal diagnosis will it blow up in my face

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Aah, this takes me back.

In our case, I always suspected my son of being on the spectrum, but he had more pressing needs and he initially received a formal diagnosis of ADHD, so he could have medication for his severe type of inattention. That was a years-long process, because my husband was against meds for so long. I kept telling my family and friends that DS also had traits of high-functioning autism. No formal ASD diagnosis was necessary in school, since he had all the therapies and accommodations he needed without it.

He finally did get an ASD diagnosis at 17, in view of getting residential accommodations in college (private room and bath). The day I told my mother he'd received that diagnosis, SHE FREAKED OUT.

The moral of this story is that people are a little dumb. If they're going to freak out, that's what they'll do, no matter how you prepare the terrain beforehand. My mother had about 15 years to think about it, because her daughter (me), a geneticist and research scientist, told her about the ASD symptoms she was seeing and mitigating with therapies, social skills groups, etc. [b]And yet she still blew a gasket when the diagnosis was official.[/b] As if her grandson had changed, and was suddenly a different person! Pffft.

So, please don't agonize over different scenarios.[b] She'll freak out no matter what, and it will be HER fault, not yours.[/b] Given this truth, if I were you, I'd tell her later rather than sooner. And when she asks why you didn't tell her before, you'll say: [b]"I knew you'd freak out."[/b]

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I respectfully disagree with this. I find the worse thing you can say to someone like this mother is something critical. Telling her she would freak out will make her freak out worse. "I'm not freaking out!" Which exacerbates the situation.

OP needs to be the calm, in-control parent here. Allow the mom to freak out. But OP remains calm. Mom, this is where we are now. We are doing our best to move forward and support Larla.

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PP you replied to. Well, this where I'm at: I'm 43 and have dealt with a hyper-anxious, critical mother all my life. My point is that there is nothing I can do to make her behave appropriately when she's stressed out. And there is nothing I can do to make her less stressed out in certain situations. So I just calmly say what I want to say now. I don't actually care what her reaction is these days, because I recognize that I am not at fault, and she's the one doing this to herself. I'm done walking on eggshells. And it works in the sense that I feel much better about myself. For the longest time, I didn't realize that the concept of "mother of minor kids taking on all the emotional burdens and making every effort to placate everyone" is very damaging in the long term.

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