Reply to Family annoyance - passive aggressive "niceness"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, thanks to those of you who seem to get it.

It isn't passive aggressive all the time, though sometimes it is.

It is repressed, and muted, and there is never a genuine expression of emotion. Just careful control to not have a feeling, or a want, and never to express a feeling, or a want.

Like politeness that left me constantly guessing if I was ever doing the right thing as a child, and guised politeness when I started dating an abusive alcoholic -- my family could never say anything "bad" about anyone or anything no matter how awful something might be.

So everything is pretend, and wanting what's best, and [b]when my ex was arrested for assaulting me and my kids, it was silence[/b].

And sometimes it's just tiring to be left trying to guess even though as an adult I have my own circle, the little ways their patterns play out exhaust me sometimes, and annoy me that this really is just how it is with them. Mostly though it's my brother repeating all of the patterns that I find hardest.

It just makes things not feel real. Like it's all just for show. Like literally my mother said a few months ago that she had never ever in her life started an argument. (Because that is not "nice")[/quote]

I think this example is really unfair of you, OP.  It’s very difficult to watch your adult child enter into and maintain an abusive relationship and there is very little a parent can do besides reiterate how much they love you.  They couldn’t have known whether if they spoke out against your ex, you would return to him and blame them for their words, cut them off etc.  You seem to be judging them for not knowing how to respond, and yet you were the one in that relationship.

Your anger at your family seems really misplaced.  They might not express themselves the way you do, but that doesn’t make their personalities wrong.  You need to learn how to tolerate other people’s differences and not to make assumptions.[/quote]

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