Reply to I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Both of them suck. I'm always amazed by the apologists.

I had a really, really crappy college boyfriend who cheated on me a ton (and told me it was on me to get over it! Nice!)

In my last year of college, I moved to DC for a semester internship  - and kind of had a rebirth (dated guys who I wouldn't typically date, hung out with people outside my typical social circle, etc).  For a brief one month period, I dated a guy with a girlfriend back home in Europe. I can tell you what was in my headspace: That someone had treated me so badly for 3 years that it was awesome to be the one with the power in the relationship and know I was helping f someone else over.

[b]It's probably the least moral thing I've ever done, and just something I needed to get out of my system (and absolutely did make me feel better about my dating health).[/b] I met DH a few months later, and 25 years later we have (and have always had) an extremely healthy relationship.

But when I think about APs and being blameless... yeah, I just think back briefly to where my head was for that one month, and yeah it's clear that APs deserve almost as much blame as the cheater.  [/quote]

So hurt people hurt people? [/quote]

Yeah but hurt people don’t have to and misogyny played a role in the PPs choice to sleep with the committed guy.
She was buying into her boyfriends toxic masculinity  that men have the power in a relationship. If you step outside that you can see that the guy was the jerk and broke his promise both her and himself when he slept around. That is his issue but culturally we try to make it the woman’s- just as her ex did.
If her core belief didn’t agree with the ex college boyfriend  “that she was the problem and having power meant hurting people and breaking ties” she wouldn’t have found it necessary to sleep with committed guy.
She just needed to process that people should keep their word in a relationship and not doing so is wrong. And that keep your word is power. You don’t HAVE to seek revenge or hurt people to adopt that belief.[/quote]

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