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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP, thank you for your reply because you exposed something that I should have been more clear about. I’m the poster you replied to.

My family is mixed. I’m white, DH is Asian and 1.5 generation (he’s immigrated twice; it’s complicated). Our background is similar to yours minus the unicorn tech company. The school I am talking about is 75% white and when I say that parents don’t know their values and are operating out of fear: that’s only the white parents. I thought and thought about it and the ones who complain about exmissions, about their kids’ scores being too low, etc: ALL white parents. The people buying their way out of pressure and the rat race are of every background and race but no one has less than 2nd generation kids.

[b]There is SO much going on here and it’s not going to be unpacked in a DCUM thread. But it’s fascinating.[/b][/quote]

Chinatown PP here. I would be super curious to hear your thoughts on this and at least start to try to unpack it. Maybe DCUM isn't the forum for it, but I'd love to hear more of your opinions and observations at an elite private. [/quote]

Independent school OP. I was thinking about this thread last night and going back to the original question and the idea of privilege and attitude about achievement/outcome and how those two things interact. Privilege seems to inform how the people who have it behave, but everyone is driven by how secure they feel in their place in society, so I think the quest for security is more of a common denominator in our specific community.

Our school families can be divided into four types. Imagine a graph with security on one axis and desire for achievement on the other- our families would be arrayed in 4 quadrants on this graph:

1) lower security, content attitude about outcome: these families are rare- they often grew up near our school when the city was more affordable and low-key and were able to fairly easily access competitive high schools and elite colleges when admissions were less difficult. They might have inherited a house and have a stable professional career, but they’re not tech millionaires. They recognize their relative privilege and know the odds of their children following in their footsteps is unlikely because of increased competition and demand for housing, elite schools, etc. but that they’ll have the security and status they’ve inherited, so they focus on other things.

2) higher security, striving: these parents are 1st generation kids of professional-class immigrants or they’re the 1st generation in their family to have the resources to have their child in private school. Their cultural values or anxiety about replicating their generation’s success mean that they want their child to be high-achieving and in a high-achieving environment and they want visible success.

3) higher security, content attitude about outcome: these parents are so rich that they don’t need to worry about their kids’ external achievements and can guide them towards following their passions, or they went through the tiger parent/high achievement gauntlet and don’t want their kids to experience the same thing for diminishing returns in a more competitive world.

4) lower security, striving: This group is divided but they all want high achievement from their kids and measurable results at their school. They might come from middle class backgrounds and be rich now, but feel anxiety about their social status and where they fit into their neighborhood or a private school community. They always want more. Or they might be recent immigrants who don’t have extensive networks or material wealth and rightly see their children’s achievements as a valuable future resource that will provide security.

The families in groups 1 and 3 have the highest social status at our school and they’re the ones everyone wants to be like, probably because they are confident and relaxed. But in reality, the anxieties of groups 2 and 4 are louder and what teachers and the administration have to respond to. [/quote]

Chinatown PP here. This is fascinating and also mirrors my experience in a Bay Area private. You should write an essay or something…[/quote]

Thanks, that’s flattering. Whatever the essay would be called, the subhead would be “why you’re only getting donations from 25% of your parents”. [/quote]

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