Reply to Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.[/quote]

Maybe for you, but this is a generalization that does not account for ages, temperaments, etc. This question also wrongly presumes that a parent cannot be strongly bonded to three children. OP is a troll. 
[/quote]

It's rare for parents to be equally bonded to all children, especially once you are in the 3+ category. It's ideal, but not that common. Some kids handle it better than others.[/quote]

DP. Is that based on your personal experience?  Or studies or something?  I’m thinking about families I know with 3+ kids (my siblings, my friends growing up, extended family, etc) and I think most parents did have strong bonds with all their kids. Of course I grew up UMC with emotionally healthy people. Ymmv. [/quote]

Based on years of private practice as a therapist, largely to UMC families, middle child syndrome is absolutely a real phenomenon. There is a great deal of literature on this. Birth order isn't everything, but there are common dynamics in families with 3+ children,  and the overlooked or invisible middle child is quite common. Often layered with other dynamics.

I don't think this dynamic is automatic, and conscientious parents can take steps to counteract it. But people thinking if having more than 2 children, at any socioeconomic level, should be aware of these issues. [/quote]

100% correct!

My parents are wealthy and I've always felt invisible as a middle [/quote]

Op here. This is so interesting to me. If anything I favor my middle and worry about the baby being ignored. I wonder if it just comes down to individual family dynamics. [/quote]

The middle child dynamic comes into play more clearly as your children get older and their emotional needs become more complex. Right now your toddler gets attention because you’re still putting out fires and navigating tantrums.

The middle child invisibility starts after they stop screaming as their primary means of communication. At that point it’s common for the parent to still focus on the screaming baby. The first born has novelty of doing everything first to hold the parents’ interest. Meanwhile, the parents are tapped out on attention for the middle child. It’s hard to get excited for kindergarten graduation when you’ve already done it for your oldest and you’re just tired and want to nap. Of course, by the time your youngest has kindergarten graduation, you’re already feeling how quickly time flies and that this is your last chance to experience these milestones. This happens over and over again for sports, school, and anything else requiring parental engagement.[/quote]

I can see how this might happen in some families, but I think any good parent can overcome this. We make sure to celebrate all our kids’ milestones — they each get a big birthday party with classmates, we took off work for all their events at school like pre-k graduation, chaperone their field trips, etc. They also have very different interests as far as extracurriculars, so we make sure they each get to do a couple activities at a time they’re interested in. We also take time to do 1:1 stuff with them, so they get time with just mom or just dad.

I just can’t envision my middle kid ever feeling like an afterthought. The fact he is my kid with special needs probably also affects things. If anything I’m overprotective and sensitive with him because things are more of a struggle for him.

Meanwhile my oldest is easy going and self sufficient so if there is a kid who could get lost in the shuffle it’s her, but I try to make sure she gets enough attention so she won’t resent her younger siblings.

Each family dynamic is so different. [/quote]

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