Reply to How worried to be about birth defects with advanced maternal age?

Forum Index » Trying to Conceive (TTC)

Reply to "How worried to be about birth defects with advanced maternal age?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I was 36 when I had a Down syndrome pregnancy.  It was a devastating diagnosis to get, but after doing some research and speaking with a genetics counselor, we decided to continue the pregnancy.  My husband and I were both 37 when the baby was born.  Although our son is delayed and we have a lot of medical appointments and therapies, I don't regret our decision to have him.  He is a happy little boy who has brought so much joy to our lives.  Yes, I worry about his future, but we have legal and financial arrangements in place that will hopefully allow him to lead a comfortable life after we're gone without becoming a burden to his brother.

However, the issue isn't whether you want your child to have a disability (no one does) or whether you could handle a disability if one happened (you could), but different levels of risk tolerance between you and your husband.  You are very unlikely to be in the same situation as me (less than 1%), but it's not impossible.  If you decide to proceed with trying for another child, you and your husband need to have a discussion about worse-case scenarios and how you would handle them.  If you can't agree, then the answer is no, unfortunately.  [/quote]

I have more concerns about what happens after I pass. A distant relative of my family had their down syndrome child in a group home and that's where he died. No one in the family ever visited him. Since I can't control how mean other people can be, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy much less my child. [/quote]

Hi.  Mom of the kid with Down syndrome here.  Let's not start a debate on the ethics of having a child with Down syndrome; that's getting too far off topic.  The point is that abnormalities like Down syndrome can happen to anyone at any age, but the risks increase as you get older.  And despite what people on here are saying, there is nothing you can do to guarantee it won't happen to you.  You can do the pre-conception genetics counseling (we did that), take the vitamins (did that, too), give up alcohol (yes), live a healthy lifestyle (yep), and do everything "right," and still end up with something wrong.  Sometimes issues can be detected during pregnancy, and sometimes they can't.  For anyone interested, there is a good essay on this topic called "Super Babies Don't Cry," by Heather Kirn Lanier: https://velamag.com/superbabies-dont-cry/

And to those who have said, "Just get an abortion if something goes wrong," I'll say this: It isn't an easy a decision for everyone.  Most people don't find out there's a problem until the second trimester, past the point where they assume they are "safe" and have started to get attached.  I was 17 weeks along when I found out.  It's not an experience I would wish on anyone.  Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life, a prenatal diagnosis can cause you to question all of your values.  Ultimately few people regret their decision, whatever that decision may be, but it's a hell of decision to make.  And you will be judged for it, no matter what you pick.

I'm not trying to scare anyone.  I just don't want anyone to take the risks lightly.  Your chances of a problem are low, but they are not zero.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't try for another kid.  Just make sure you have these difficult conversations with your significant other ahead of time.  Where do you stand on terminating, and under what circumstances?  Do you have the resources to care of a child with special needs?
 Talking about these concerns won't prevent a problem nor the emotional upheaval of a diagnosis, but at least you will have a framework to go off of should the worst happen, so that you aren't making life-changing decisions in crisis mode.  And if you disagree about how to handle a situation, better to know that before you conceive.

Good luck to all would-be mothers out there.  May you all have healthy children.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics