Reply to If you're in a long term (15, 20+ year) marriage, what do you talk about with your spouse?

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Reply to "If you're in a long term (15, 20+ year) marriage, what do you talk about with your spouse?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. 
It's probably clear that I'm asking this question because we struggle with this.
We've been married 21 years, kids are rising junior twins, and a rising 9th grader.

We really have nothing to talk about. 
:(
-Future plans.  Husband is not a planner.  He refuses to talk about the future--career goals, retirement, etc.  This isn't a conversation we've ever had in our marriage.  It stresses him out so we don't talk about it. 
-Kids.  Again, stresses him out to engage about this because at this point it's generally about their future plans or the steps they need to make to have future plans.  So he won't engage. 
-Work.  I don't understand his work.  It's highly technical.  This is probably my fault--I could learn more, engage more.  His job is also a source of stress in our marriage because he works 
endless hours but refuses to every talk about leaving the job (circle back to future plans issue--he won't talk about his career plans because want or like change so we just slog along with him working too much and me 
being frustrated). 
My own job is in healthcare so it's interesting in that I deal with people but the topic is somewhat finite (I've been doing it for 20 years--it's like I'm working on a series of new projects or cases). 
-Hobbies.  We have none.  Well I guess we have interests (mine--gardening, our dogs, (lol)).  His: tech things that again I don't understand.  If there is one sector of life that I don't understand it's tech. 
I long for typewriter of my childhood.  (major disconnect--probably should not have married on this technicality alone). 
-Other people. We do have this.  It's interesting but there's only so much of this you can do before it just feels like gossip.

Clearly we have issues. We're on the other side (or nearing the other side) of raising 3 kids in a fast-paced DC environment.  Trying to figure out if there is anything that we have in common anymore. :(

[/quote]

Married 15 years, have four kids. We have plenty to talk about even though we have very little in common in terms of interests (we are very different people but have strong shared values), but I don’t think you are really asking because you need ideas.

Your lack of communication is a problem. From your OP it sounds like you don’t like your DH. If I were him, I wouldn’t want to talk with someone who doesn’t like me - I would avoid them or shut down.

When you are talking to him, are most of your interactions positive? If not, work on that - it doesn’t have to be fake, and it can be for small things. I thank my DH for making coffee every morning, and he thanks me for going grocery shopping. Those small kindnesses go a long way in feeling like your spouse supports you. [/quote]

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