Reply to How Quickly Should Spouse Answer Your Calls/Texts?

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[quote=Anonymous]It sounds like your husband goes between different facilities where he can’t have his phone and also can’t be reached. Yes, I know about the emergency hotlines, but I’ve also said for years that working in a scif has gotten a lot harder because the world expects you to get hold of your spouse. 
I
 Used to work in a scif. I thought I’d have no problem with my husband working in one, I knew how they worked. He got a job that required him to be in a scif and the first week there I encountered a dental receptionish from hell who threatened to remove my then preschooler from the dental chair “due to your failure to provide insurance”. We had gotten new insurance, the cards hadn’t come in yet, we’d been using that practice for years, this woman knew me, knew my kids, knew we’d pay the bill if need be, and talked a good game about “wanting the little ones to feel comfortable”. Plus, it’s not like she’d not have been paid had I skipped out on the bill. I remember calling my husband’s work number, hoping like heck he’d be at his desk and fortunately, he was, though I remember him saying “I’m about to head out”. 
This wasn’t an emergency. I’d not have called the emergency line for this but I did need my husband. I felt bullied and threatened, plus he had the information the office witch needed, and to top it off, the woman was sweet as pie to my husband “so sorry to bother you sir, I hope I didn’t interrupt your day” no hint of how she had just tried to intimidate me. Yes, I’ve posted on this before.

We had a new storm door put on our house and while the guy was installing it, he asked which direction I wanted the door to open. I tried to call my husband only to get no response, so I told him what to do. When my husband came home he asked why I had it done that way and I said “well, I tried to call you and you weren’t there, and I had to make a decision”.  Apparently, you can’t just “do it differently” once the door was installed, and no, we didn’t decide this beforehand, I didn’t even think the question would come up, we both thought the guy would just replace the door exactly.  Turns out, we like the new configuration better, but the point remains, my husband wasn’t part of the process, and then fussed about it once he got home.  Again, nothing to call an emergency number about.

Then covid happened months later, and he went to the office. He lacked just how difficult it was for me with little to do. Not only could I not easily get hold of him, his day-to-day didn’t change. He didn’t seem to grasp that there was nothing to do with the kids, no library, no playground, no pool, none of the things that a healthy mom likes to do with her kids. My teenager was taking out all of her fears and anger about covid on me and while I understood it, it still sucked, I had no one to help defect some of her fear and anger or to even be aware of it, not really. My husband would come home and wonder why I was so upset and be like “don’t let it bother you” and I’d have been able to do that if the world hadn’t shut down, but it did, and there were times when I did feel totally alone.   
Then I had a miscarriage. My husband copes with grief by working, I saw this when his dad died. Fine, but he was an hour away and I was a mess, and something in me broke. I didn’t want him to sit home, but I also wanted him present. He wasn’t there to comfort me when we got the hospital bill, though when he got home he said something that still makes me laugh. Still, I cried all day after receiving that bill. He wasn’t there to hug me when a friend sent me what I’m sure she thought was a nice note about how happy I was when I told her about the pregnancy, and expressing her sadness about the miscarriage. I had a woman ask if I “just happened to have some baby clothes” and that is the only time I wanted to physically destroy my phone.

I began to wonder why he needed to be in a scif when he could do the same job either from home or not in a scif. I didn’t understand why he needed to commute an hour each way only to not be able to be the point person for the plumber, (my husband and our plumber get along well) or be able to give me a hug, or say “You want to smash that phone, do it”.  Less dramatically, I didn’t see why why I couldn’t text him to see what he wanted for dinner or tell her the kids and I were having fun.  He made snide comments how “nobody else calls their husbands as much as you do” which infuriated me.

We argued about it, I cried, and finally I told him I needed him to find a different job.. which he did.

It’s much better. I like being able to text him and say “I’m at Costco, want me to get salmon?” v. buying the salmon and him saying all annoyed “Why’d you do that, we had plenty” “Um, because I was at Costco, I know you like salmon, I was thinking of you, and decided to get some in case we didn’t”. Just now I needed pizza sauce and was all set to go to the store when I texted him and he came up and got it for me. Yes, I could have gone to the store, but it was nice that he was aware of a problem If he hadn’t responded, I’d have just gone to the store. In exchange I’m way more chill about him working evenings and weekends, he’s home, he doesn’t have to commute and he’s there at least physically which comforts me. It comforts my kids too, one of them especially used to worry when he’d be driving in bad weather. The kids like that he can eat dinner with us, go to an activity and then go back to work if need be.

I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule for how long to return calls. If your husband is fine with you making what ever decisions that need to be made, then the “I don’t need to call my spouse” works just fine. I haven’t met a real live woman who has a husband like this. My friend who swears she’s only called her husband when she’s been in labor also says she “makes him stay home so we can talk”.

Figure out what you want, op. Know that your husband will still need to work so it is unreasonable for you to expect him to sit looking at his phone in case you happen to text. My husband has a special text tone for me and since he’s home now, he also has more insight into how my day goes, yes, sometimes our kids really do need cookies. He’s pleased when I see something he might like and text him to see if he wants it. He’s able to be present or at least consulted when contractors are at the house. I’ll be the first to say that some women and some marriages just can’t handle going solo.  I truly enjoyed my time in a scif. I’ve also said that they will either need to pay a whole lot more or make some major changes to keep it attractive, not when other options exist and are viable. The emergency line isn’t a replacement for texting or calling your husband. I may be exhausting to some of you, but I’m also human. I could always   s go back to work, but then my husband would probably have had to stop working in a scif anyway, I’d be rebuilding my career and my kids still need an adult life form around when they are sick, school is closed, whatever. 
I
 Do get the sense the op would continually interrupt her husband no matter where he worked, and that needs to change. 
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