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[quote=Anonymous][quote]
Not all of us had this upbringing. My mother was emotionally unstable and hated being a parent. She refused to work, but also refused to take us to activities or anything like that . She complained that having kids ruined her potential career as an academic although it was clearly her own emotional damage. After my dad left I was wholly responsible for myself by age 14, meals schoolwork getting rides from people. I left home at 17 and never returned. Sometimes she would call in the middle of the night screaming at me that Ives’s selfish like my father for leaving her. Also… She never took care of her parents either.

Because of a sense of duty and because my sibling refuses to do it, I now manage all my mothers care, finances, health etc. it’s a huge time suck but even worse is that she remains the most self centered person. She just complains endlessly and she’s always dying of this or that (I’ve had to prevent her from calling ambulance since nothing is wrong). She rarely exhibits interest in my life and because she has never held a job, raised kids or cared for elderly parents, she has no clue as to why I can’t be at her beck and call. And now we are facing dementia, a long slow decline and she will likely run through all her funds before the end…a trust set up to support her by her parents but that she is not in control of (they clearly knew she was not capable).

I take care of her well . She is in an expensive facility with the nicest suite; she has an additional person who takes her shopping when she wants to go out. I take her to medical appointments all the time; dinner weekly with the grandkids and spend hours managing all her affairs, filing taxes , Medicare insurance trouble shooting her tv etc. but I refuse to feel any guilt over not bringing her into our home.

I also realize I’m alone in this. My dad abandoned us and left me in charge a king time ago and now my older brother (who has no kids etc) refuses to get involved. It always falls in the daughters and I don’t want that for my daughter.

PP, this can't be easy given the history. I commend you for doing so. Our mom probably had BPD as diagnosed by my shrink. Fortunately there were stretches of time when she wasn't ruled by that, more fleeting as her life progressed. Having those moments as well as honoring our dad is what helped me barrel through those times in the latter stages of looking after her.[/quote]

Thank you for this. According to my father (not a wholly reliable narrator) my mother was actually 'fired' by her psychiatrist; she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but refused to accept it and the psychiatrist essentially said that without her willingness to entertain the possibility she is more than everyone's victim therapy wasn't going to work.  I also have to realize that in many cases my mother's issues came from her mother, who was really abusive. I have to accept that the depths of her anxiety do make her truly miserable, which is why she engulfs others with intense neediness and uses emotional manipulation and guilt to try to get attention to assuage the unassuagable lack of inner stability or sense of self.  [longer story but there were a few times whenI was younger when she was in a fugue like state, wandering around saying "I dont know who I am. I dont know what I am." Like, she knew her name and identity, but she truly has no stable core. Other times she'd just rant about how everything was everyone else's fault....I could never invite friends over because I never knew what she might be like at any given moment].  Where I also take some comfort is that I didn't let it destroy me, the way that my grandmother destroyed my mothers' sense of self. And that my daughter will not be afflicted by this either. (she's so wonderfully secure, organized, self directed....).  Part of taking care of my mother is also showing myself that I am not her. I am able to do this on my own terms.

anyway, that's a long digression. We pay 7k/month for assisted living, with medication management. I also pay someone 20$/hr about 6-9 hours a week to help with showers, or shopping, or whatever. All that is available at the AL place but my mother likes having someone she can boss around more. [/quote]

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