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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is hard, but also not uncommon post military retirement. Many people thrive in the military because of the regimented structure, which doesn’t really exist outside of the military.

What is the crux of the issue? Do you need him to bring in some income for current expenses or savings goals? Is it just his hanging around the house? The attitude?[/quote]

OP here. I guess it's the attitude more than anything. [b]If he was actually happy – if he found some hobby that brought him joy, and was full of laughter and love– well, I'd still wish he made some more money but I could handle it. (I mean, I like my job, so although I sometimes feel overwhelmed, it's not like I'd quit if he suddenly got a job.) And if he pitched in more with household stuff– took on more of Ye Olde Mental Load, went shopping, fixed things, called contractors, did all that stuff without sulking or needing to be cajoled– it would be fine. I guess it's just that right now I feel like I am not getting much out of this: not a happy, supportive spouse, not an engaged and loving co-parent, not someone to share the breadwinning, not a partner in dealing with all the crappy little stuff life throws at us.[/b]

I truly love him and when he is in a good mood he's a lot of fun to be around: he is smart and funny and affectionate. But we are not seeing his good side nearly as much as we see his angry, moody side. [/quote]

New poster. OP, you have your own script already written, above. Subsitute "you" for "he" and you've got what you need to say. I might not use the terms "sulk" or "need to be cajoled" -- even though they're true -- becuase they also will make him defensive; he'll hear those words and then tune out everything else you say after that. Emphasize that you would be OK with his doing this IF he were actually happy but he clearly is not, and if he claims he is -- you'll have to point out to him that his actions do not indicate happiness.

Then I'd tell him that you've researched transition assistance for veterans (which, yes, you need to do ASAP). I would actually not only research it, I'd go ahead and make him an appointment and frankly I'd take him to it myself. He sounds like the kind of person who thrived with being told what to do and where to be etc. and now, without that structure, he is at loose ends. And those loose ends are NOT translating into "I'm going to enjoy my hobbies and my kids" but are clearly translating into "I feel at a loss and am irritable with our kids." Point out that THIS is what your kids will remember, too -- seeing dad irked with them, being snappish, seeing mom being both a working breadwinner and also having to handle all kid and household stuff, etc. And it will send your kids some pretty poor messages.

Most of all I'd emphasize this thing you say above: [i]Right now I feel like I am not getting much out of this: not a happy, supportive spouse, not an engaged and loving co-parent, not someone to share the breadwinning, not a partner in dealing with all the crappy little stuff life throws at us.[/i] He may think this is only about him, and if he believes he's happy and "retired," he is fine, and if YOU are not happy that's your issue and not his. But you need to make him see that if you are not happy it's very much a marital issue and that makes it his as well as yours.

Also, I'd get into marriage counseling, but maybe after he talks to someone with experience of transitioning military members who are not adjusting well. He will not want to admit he's not adjusting but that does sound like the case. Yes, even several years after leaving the military. [/quote]

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