Reply to MIL’s will has left kids fighting

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here- well this just keeps getting messier.

DH (aka DS1) had a call with his sisters (DD1 & DD2) today to check in and see how things were going. Youngest brother  (Ds2) declined to join.  It looks like there may be more debts than expected (Christmas loan from bank, store credit accounts etc). And the balance of the checking account will go down because MIL received a social security check just before she died. So that will need to be paid back.

Executor (DD1) hasn’t opened probate yet because she doesn’t have the receipt from the funeral home. They were filing to get paid directly from the life insurance.

DH was expecting the call to be about what had to happen next about gathering info, notifying people of death etc. But executor has proposed that she change how the life insurance is paid out to go to the estate so that the car loan can be paid off.  DH said he didn’t think that was possible after death, so executor then suggested each sibling privately pay their share of the life insurance to pay off the car loan before probate starts so that things are cleaner.

I feel so bad for DH, he wasn’t expecting that at all. The life insurance money is likely to be 3k at most per child, so these aren’t huge dollar amounts. He was thinking that it would cover his travel costs and part of the money we lost when we cancelled our spring break trip for the funeral.

But now DH is dug in on the principal.  He just noticed that our kids are the ones who aren’t in the will at all. Before this I had just assumed he wasn’t bothered by that.  But now he’s bothered.

How do I talk him down? I had shared the comments from the PP about being ready to set aside the land because it would likely cause hard feelings no matter what.  I think that was helpful.  But this feels different.[/quote]

First, I tell people to not forget to breathe. We hold so much in, closing eyes and taking a deep cleansing breathe can help.  Dealing with this kind of mess while grieving is always hard.  Grieving the actual loss is hard enough, your husband is now faced with grieving the loss of who his mother should have been too.  Your DH can’t change what his mother did, he can’t change what his brother did or what his brother may do. He can only change how he reacts to it all.  You posted that he wants to help his sister who did the bulk of the caregiving the most.  I think focusing on that positive behavior on her part and wanting to help her navigate the executor stuff and beyond will help them move through this.  A sort of mantra like, ‘I can’t change what happened, but I can help Susie.’

Talking to a grief counselor when the time allows may help him move forward on the crappy stuff.

Hugs to you all.  [/quote]

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