Reply to This is shaping up to be an awful death (vent)

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[quote=Anonymous]I have been there OP, so my deepest sympathies on what you're going through. You've gotten tons of great advice here. I just want to add my two cents.

Unequivocally, you are doing an amazing job. You are taking extraordinary care of your father. While also taking care of your children. That takes unbelievable skills and resources. It also takes a huge toll on you.

The single most important thing in caring for someone else (regardless of age, circumstance, or anyone's personal wishes) is safety. It's always safety first. You are ensuring that your father is safe and that is huge. Just huge. Especially huge given his physical realities. Especially huge given the financial realities. Especially huge given that you are shouldering that burden alone. The fact that you have managed to ensure that your father is safe and cared for is the single most important thing you can do for him. It is a herculean accomplishment and nothing else is possible beyond that.

You can't change his diagnosis. You can't control whatever his journey may be. You can't change his feelings or his cognitive/mental state. But everything that you are actually able to impact positively you are doing. That is just extraordinary. Please try to give yourself some credit for that.

I would argue that advocating for more Ativan (or whatever it takes to keep him comfortable) is the best use of your time, the best thing you can tangibly do for him. That kind of thing will improve whatever time he has left - and that's really all you can hope for. That and a mercifully brief time of suffering of course.

It is ok to allow yourself time to breathe, to sleep, to play with your kids, to take a day off to do whatever will restore you. It is ok to prioritize your young children at any given moment over something your father might need. It is ok to acknowledge that this is a short period of time - you will do your best (you clearly already are) and your best is amazing. And that still can't change the outcome. You're allowed to feel terribly about what your father is experiencing. And you are also allowed to set some limits on the extent of your sacrifice.

In the end he will be gone. And you need to still be standing. You need to find a way to make sure this doesn't drag you under, that you are there for your family, etc.  So know that you are doing a truly amazing job in the face of an unbeatable foe.

And if you can, find someone in real life who can be a safe venting space for you, someone to whom you can tell the truth, say the awful things, etc... It doesn't have to be a friend - just someone who won't judge you. And most of us who have been through this sandwich generation hell phase will get it.

Hang in there. I'll keep you (and your dad) in my thoughts.

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