Reply to How do you identify the “good guy”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. [b]He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.[/b]

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns [b]as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood[/b], has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong? [/quote]
Literally only the last thing you listed has anything to do with someone being a good person.  And the second bolded indicates that you don't understand mental illness at all.  He sounds like someone whose family valued appearances and presenting the right image, despite dysfunction.  So he looked good on paper, but was perhaps under a lot of pressure to maintain appearances or realized that he didn't actually want the life he was supposed to.  And you picked him based on that resume, only to find that he was a flawed person, like everyone else, and perhaps the strain of continuing to keep up appearances was too much.  It's not your personal failure, and seems odd to frame it that way.  There's no way to look at someone and know exactly who they'll be in a decade, or how they will react to all the things that life throws at them.      [/quote]Exactly, I had the same thought as going to a good school doesn’t make someone a good person. Watch the Woodstock documentary on Netflix about all the kids in 94 at that festival. These were preppy kids assaulting women and destroying a farm. [/quote]

Op here. This is really illuminating to me. His family do love presenting a certain image to disguise or distract from their dysfunction. It wasn’t apparent to me at first but I realized pretty quickly after marriage that my MIL is a narcissist who emotionally abused her children for control. She is obsessed with portraying a certain image perhaps at the detriment to her family. I did not connect the dots and was initially drawn by his nice appearance, yes. [/quote]

This is good insight and honesty. If you want a good marriage partner, you need to look for someone who understands what that means and shows he wants to be that way. Don't look for the person who has a nice life already because who knows how they got there. Look for someone who has the right principles and is reliable. That person might otherwise be romantic and/or rich. Now the question is, what are you going to do with this insight?[/quote]

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