Reply to FTM here, how to get my mother to understand Facebook privacy re: the baby?

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[quote=Anonymous]Your mom was being a drama queen and a martyr. But you can't change her. You can only change yourself. (Says the grown woman who is in therapy in part to figure out how to relate to my mother now that I'm a mom and am coming into my own and our relationship has gone from pleasant to tense and incredibly frustrating.)

So here's what I would take away from that exchange:
- Take it offline a LOT faster next time, or better yet, don't start it online. In person is no fun either, but it's way less problematic. It sounds like you know this, but work on making it happen in the moment. The "I'm getting back to work now" line could have come much earlier, along with "I'll give you a call [tonight] so we can talk about this." Just cut it off when it's going Hindenburg like that. 
- Learn to take deep breaths (literally) and RECOGNIZE as early as possible when it's going Hindenburg, so you can be aware of the situation and what's getting triggered in you and whether it's a good idea to keep up the conversation as it's going. 
- You have learned how to stand up for yourself and express yourself as best you can in a calm and open and rational way. (If you are like me, you have WORKED at this, and it's working for you, and it's incredibly frustrating that your mother is not willing or able to do the same.) But you can't make her have a calm and open and rational conversation with you.  
- Telling someone to "stop overreacting" has never worked in the history of humankind, as much as you and I both would LOVE it to.
- It IS funny that you turned around and posted the exact quotes of your conversation. But I'm still on your side, ha!

Seriously, if this is a big issue for you (and it sounds like it is), and you can manage to work a good therapist into your life, time- and money-wise, strongly consider it. Having kids REALLY complicated my relationship with my mother, which I wasn't expecting, but which I've learned is not uncommon. It will help a lot over the years if you work on mindfulness/awareness, communication, reasonable expectations, and setting boundaries.

All that said, as for the specifics at hand: personally, I don't have a problem with my parents/relatives reposting photos or posting their own photos of my kids, because I don't think any real harm to my child can come of it. (Exceptions would be -- something where my child's name or specific location info like school or address was included -- something where my child was scantily clad post-infancy.) It helps that they almost never post anything on FB and also this is one issue to which my mom would be totally receptive. If I said, "hey, mom, would you mind taking that photo down, I'm nervous about it because DD is holding that artwork she's written her full name on" -- I'm confident she'd take it down. So thanks for at least making me feel grateful for that about my mom!

Hang in there, OP. Becoming a mom is reeeeaaaaaaaally interesting (and ultimately good, in my experience) if you have an "immature" relationship with your own mom.[/quote]

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