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[quote=Anonymous]Divorced 6 years ago, my kids were 6 and 8.  We kept it amicable.  The kids seemed ok the first few years, when my ex and I were each living alone.  The biggest issues were that the younger one was extremely attached to me, so we had to adjust the custody schedule to limit the number of nights he went in a row at his dad's house. As they got older, we were able to transition them to a less disruptive schedule.

About 3 years after the divorce, my ex introduced them to his girlfriend, and our then-11 year old remembered her as his dad's secretary.  He started asking lots of questions, her kids told him that their mom got divorced at the same time we got divorced.

My son started seeing a therapist for anxiety as he moved into 7th grade, and he started talking to her about his "fear" that his dad had an affair.  The therapist met with us and advised that the cat was out of the bag, and that we should address what happened.

Ex refused, said it was an adult issue. I followed the therapist's advice and had a long convo with my son about how sometimes, good people make bad choices, but that doesn't make them bad people. I talked about how much both his dad and I loved him, and the end of our marriage had nothing to do with him or his brother.  I reminded him how good of a dad he had, pointed out all the fun vacations they had been doing since the divorce.  Son seemed to really take to that idea that sometimes, everyone makes mistakes but that doesn't have to define who they are as humans.

Looking back, I can see now that over the next two years or so, my son started resisting going on joint vacations with his dad, girlfriend, and her three much younger kids.  He would complain that the trips were too noisy and not fun because all they did was "baby things," which I know wasn't true based on his younger brother's experience on the trips.  I assumed it was just the older one turning into a teenager, and teenagers can be surly like that.

Last year, my ex bought a house with that girlfriend and started blending families. Within a few months, my son started drinking at his dad's house. Leaving out empty beer cans, being obvious about it.  I knew nothing about it until the school called me because he came to school drunk one morning.  Clearly, it was a cry for help.  Started cutting himself and wearing long sleeves to hide it.  Told his friends he wanted to die.

At his first hospitilization for suicidal ideation, the floodgates opened.  He screamed and raged at his dad, asking his dad if he was even sorry for cheating on his mom and did he even think what he did was wrong.  The psychiatrist clearly told my ex and I that what my son was really saying was "are you sorry for what you did to HIM, how his actions hurt HIM."

My ex could not say the words that his son needed to hear.  Could not say he was sorry for the way his relationship with his girlfriend started, and that he understands it was hurtful.  Just insisted that "it's too complicated for you to understand, and you never should have had to know about an adult matter."

My son is more stable now, but wants nothing to do with his dad.  Refuses to go to his house unless the other kids aren't there, and my ex refuses to modify the custody schedule because they prefer having all the kids on the same schedule so they can have alone time.  He's on multiple medications for depression, and still struggles with suicidal ideation.

Younger son has proven remarkably resilient through all of this.  So I'm not sure what to tell you - some kids will be fine, some won't, even when they go through the same exact divorce as their siblings.

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