Reply to Is moving an elderly parent into a care facility a form of 'betrayal'?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Maybe I’m missing something - but if you have unlimited funds for caregivers, can’t you always stay in your home? If she gets worse, can’t you just hire more staff at home?

If you can envision a scenario where her staying home is no longer viable, then THATS what you say. “Oh, of course, we don’t want to put her in a home either. But if X, Y, and Z happen, I don’t think it’ll be viable for her to stay home. So we’re preparing incase that happens. Do you disagree?” And see what they say. Maybe they have some creative ideas for ways they’d be able to keep her home. [/quote]

Not OP, but been there. Awful. Her are the drawbacks

1.) Caregivers no-show. Then what? The case manager will tell you they have backup. The backup was me getting emergency calls and being expected to be there. I developed blood pressure issues.
2.) Caregiver stealing during night shift.
3.) Parent making accusations and even with cameras you can't catch anything. Brain has deteriorated so much can't trust parent's account.
4.) Total isolation. People stop visiting. At least at a facility you are around multiple people and some try to engage with you. With an aide all day there is only so much engagement and you may think you will be there often, but life happens and you have to prioritize.
5.) Impossible to fully elder proof the house in many cases.
6.) Caregivers quit a lot. The job sucks.[/quote]

Strongly agree with all of the above. My mother had moderate dementia and numerous physical ailments. We got her 24/7 home aides, AND I visited five days a week, and had my kids visit 3 or 4 days a week. Mom was miserable, lonely, and abusive to her aides. The fact that most aides in our region are immigrants with limited English made things even harder: they could not understand my mother, and between her deafness and their limited English, she could not understand them half the time, leading to numerous conflicts and misunderstandings. Lots of no-shows and aides who quit. My mother was so difficult we had an entire agency decline to provide care. And every time an aide did not/could not show up, I ended up having to drop everything to take over.  She also had zero social life.

We finally persuaded her to move to an assisted living place. We continued to pay one of her private duty aides to go by every day to check on her and visit, but the facility handled meds, meals, etc. She went in kicking and screaming, but within a month was vastly more contented: she had more social interactions, she ate more, etc.

OP, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Some elderly people will do just fine at home with aides. Others will not. Some adult children have the ability to essentially serve as aides themselves. Others do not. I do believe in trying to honor the preferences of the elderly person if at all possible, but by definition, people with dementia have poor judgment and minimal insight. It is no "betrayal" to move someone if the move will improve their care. Adult children have a moral duty to care for elderly parents to the best of their ability, but they cannot be expected to destroy their own lives, finances and health to humor someone with dementia (or to please a sibling who is not sharing the burdens).

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