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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage.  I stayed and we are very happy.  We always had an active sex life and still do.  I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating.  We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that.  Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life.  I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open.  I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave.  Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.[/quote]

How did you start the healing (?) process and how long did it take for the relationship to turn around (to start even slightly for the better of couple/family)?  I was just told that one of my sibling is going through this right at this moment (brother-in-law may have started to see other woman)...  I just could not come up with any good word to console her.  From the way I (and even my husband) see it is that the brother-in-law has been sending multiple cues to her over the last few years that he is unhappy in the current situation (as a couple, first) and she flat out ignored those cues, believing relationship between them is smooth as before.  There was no abuse or anything to speak of from either side but we know that what brother-in-law went through, especially during COVID, was mentally tough (I cannot blame him cuz we even felt what she did was unfair to him, no infidelity just emotional damage) and my sibling is now faced with the consequences.

As a woman, I sympathize with my sibling for living in a constant fear of losing him (so she thinks) and made to watch how he is becoming an untrustworthy spouse, but at the same time I do sympathize my brother-in-law for putting up with my sibling for the longest time we could remember.  Of course, my sibling deeply regrets her actions and wants to work out the relationship with him.

This is the very first time the brother-in-law is behaving like this (first offense, sort of speak).  And, we believe he is in the "honeymoon" period right now.  I don't think initialing couples therapy and all that is useless at this particular timing because it just goes to a deaf ear and is one-way.

What would you suggest?  I feel both sides of pain...[/quote]

I’m the poster above.  My situation was different because my husband had ended the affair already and confessed the day after. He wasn’t in a fog or conflicted.  And, it still was awful.  I immediately kicked him out for 2 weeks.  I was in such shock and also very angry.  I didn’t want to have a confrontation in front of our kids.  He was very remorseful and full of regret.  Infidelity/dishonesty was a deal breaker for me.  I refused couples therapy.  He did his work and kept showing up and being transparent and took on the bulk of the work on the home front which he still does years later.  We had a very happy family and, unlike what you describe with your sibling, we always got along really well and we’re best friends.  I’m not sure if I had a spouse that was in a fog or conflicted about what he wanted if I would have reconciled. It was about 6 months before I agreed to couples therapy.  Things are really good now, but I still have triggers at times.  He does everything possible to help avoid them. I really think it was a midlife/personal crisis which also gives me more confidence about the future, that it isn’t an ongoing character flaw.  I have very strong emotions about cheating and always did.  It’s not okay to ever do it.

Your sister is going through serious trauma right now and she didn’t deserve to be cheated on no matter what you think.  You have no idea what went on in their home when you were not there to witness it.  Often, the charming guy in public is not the same behind closed doors.  People would surprise you.  Be there for your sibling without judgement to support her and help in anyway you can.  I’m sure she’s not sleeping and barely functioning at this point.[/quote]

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