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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here and another thing I suggested to my mom was to maybe spend time with another grandchild in our family who was more extroverted, clingy, and chatty so that she can get what she needs, since her personality is more what she is looking for in a grandchild. I suggested she offer to babysit for her parents.   Again - she said this never occurred to her.

She thought they didn't want a babysitter because they like having their kid around all the time and that they ALWAYS bring her everywhere!  And I explained that they bring her everywhere because they don't have a babysitter or cannot afford one and can't leave a young child at home by herself.  And she said she never realized that, and thought the whole time they only brought her everywhere with them was because they liked to have her with them everywhere.  [/quote]

Oh wow.  Rereading this, I just realized that's what my mom assumed about ME.  She probably really wants to just spend time with just me so that I can listen to her problems and pay attention to her and take care of her.  And she's annoyed I always bring the kids around who just depress her and make her feel worse, and take away my attention from her.  And she assumed I just keep bringing them around because I want to always have them with me.

I think I just made all these assumptions about what she wanted.  I don't even know anymore....[/quote]

Your Chinese mother should get together with my Chinese mother.
The EXACT same dynamic and issues.  I've spent way too much time thinking about this stuff too.
The problem is our mothers never adapted to a different culture.  They expect the automatic adulation that old folks receive in China.
My mom is also an attention hog and I've long suspected she is jealous of my kids, that is, the attention I give my kids.  When I see her without the kids, she is happy as a clam talking about herself.
I've also spent lots of time pondering why she's so unhappy and what she wants.  It's taken me a few decades to understand that she doesn't know what she wants.

The sad reality is that their immigrant bubble here is also a temporal one.  When they go back to Asia, they are also in a foreign land in terms of cultural values.  Society in Asia has continued to evolve after they immigrated.  Family dynamics have shifted from what they assumed.   They don't feel at home there, and don't feel at home here.[/quote]

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