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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op again. After some reflection, I think I have more clarity. I have been acting as though my mom is a fully functioning capable adult. But because of her advancing age, depression, and anxiety, I have to accept that she is no longer that anymore. She is someone that needs to be cared for and tended to, and provided opportunities for joy and connection, and make her feel loved and important- essentially what I do for my children. And I think that is what she meant when she said it made her feel sad when she saw me tending to my children’s needs and not hers. She has accepted her limitations and sees herself as my child, and as much as she still wants to be able to be more than that, she just isn’t capable.[/quote]

In other words, she feels like my unloved child, whose needs never seem to come first.  Who often experiences jealousy when she sees her grandchildren receive more attention from me than her.  Who tries to earn my love and attention through acts of service like cooking meals, but never seems to get the same level of attention that I give to my children, who in her eyes do absolutely nothing to earn it.  While I am arranging playdates and experiences for my children, she is feeling like the neglected child who does not enjoy doing any of those things and has to follow along and watch them have fun while she is ignored again.

And so... I have to realize I have another child to take care of now, at the same level that I take care of my own children.[/quote]

Normal, healthy and functional adults do not feel like their adult child's unloved child. Parentification is never healthy, even when the child is an adult. You make sure she is in a safe situation if she complies as she ages. Then you figure out your boundaries. Your kids and their development comes first. Some on here think that means I am saying ditch her. It simply means you need to get your priorities straight. You are not responsible for the mental health of your mom, but you are responsible for your actual children.[/quote]

That is my point... I have to accept that she is not a normal, healthy, and functional adult, because she is not.  She suffers from depression and anxiety and she is aging and losing her cognitive and physical abilities.  And in my culture, the adult children take care of their aging parents.  It's just hard as sometimes I feel like I am barely capable of taking care of the children I have and it takes all my energy.[/quote]

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