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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life. [/quote]

How has therapy helped you?  I feel like my therapy has only made it worse.  One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism.  But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family.  It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom.  But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today.  I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me.  When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.[/quote]
You need a new therapist.  Or else you need to tell this one that you want to focus on your own depression and ability to stand up for yourself, and not on repairing your relationship with your mom, and if he doesn't respect that, then you need a new therapist.  [/quote]

Yes, I agree.  I wonder what you've told the therapist your goals are.  I mean your post is about trying to foster a better relationship between you and your mother and your kids.  Did you say that to the therapist too?  Is that actually your goal?[/quote]

No, I said I felt like all this time I had been acting under the assumption she wanted a closer relationship with my kids and me, but now I was questioning everything. Whether she even wants that…. Or whether she just wants me to take care of her and get my kids to take care of her. And her tactics have been manipulative.  I’ve realized everyone I “take care of” or pay attention to in her presence, she ends up attacking their character. Saying things like they are angry with her because she didn’t give them enough gifts or money or something similar. It upsets her to see me pay more attention to my kids than to her.[/quote]

My goal was to figure out whether to keep pursuing this hope of creating a relationship between her and the kids or to give up on the idea and just give her what she really wants, within reason.  Which is financial, physical, and emotional support.[/quote]

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