Reply to Partner Didn't Hear From His DC's Yesterday

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My partner has four dc's with two ex wives and all but one is a young adult.  I felt bad for him bc not one reached out to him on Father's day.  I make sure to celebrate him with our dc but [b]think he must be hurt [/b]that his other dc's don't acknowledge the day.  We don't see them much and would hate to make it a thing on the rare occasion he does see them but wonder if I should drop a hint to them that it isn't very nice.[/quote]

Well, is he hurt?  Or do you not have a close enough relationship with him to know whether he's hurt or not.

Let me tell you a story.  My dad is a great dad.  We talk every weekend, every other weekend at least, and visit several times a year.  If I didn't call him on Father's Day, he would maybe be hurt-- but more than that he would be concerned!  Concerned about not hearing from me like normal.  And he would CALL ME.  He wouldn't just sit around being hurt (or telling his new partner that he's hurt so that she'll think he cares).  He would reach out.  Because that's what people do when they care about each other.  And there would be a pattern of communication already in place because that's what happens in functioning relationships.  If your man is not calling his adult children on the regular, then what do you expect?  You reap what you sow.[/quote]

This.

I talk to my father every few weeks, when I think about it.  I do have Father's Day and his birthday in my calendar, but I'm frequently up and around for hours before he is, and I forget, because he's just not an important figure in my life.

He chose to walk out when I was 7.  He never remembered our birthdays and never called in a predictable pattern, usually waiting at least a few months in between.  He had unlimited supervised visitation (my mother required my grandmother to go everywhere, so that she knew kids would be fed and put to bed before midnight, but she I heard her leaving him voicemails and encouraging him to call, write and visit us), but I only saw him twice between 7 and 19.  The second time my father showed up was because I hung up on him and refused to talk to him on the phone when he called to say happy birthday... 3 months late and thinking I was 3 or 4 years younger.  He was positive my mother was blocking me from talking to him, so I told him to his face that I had no interest in talking to him.

When I was a senior, my siblings went to live with my dad (good thing for one, bad for the other, but it was all or nothing).  Because I wanted to see them, I made arrangements to stay with him/them the summer after freshman year of college... mistake.  I have visited him (and now his step-wife) 3 times since that summer, and it's never been pleasant.  Every phone call (maximum of 30 minutes) ends in a harangue of what I'm doing wrong with my life... staying with them just extends it, and neither one cares that my "pickiness" about my food is doctor's orders.

On the other hand?  My grandmother (82 this year) and I talk every 1-2 days.  We make time, even if it has to be while I'm driving.  I visit her as much as I can, and while she would love to cook for/with me like she did when I was a child, she understands that I'm on a more restrictive diet than she is.  I don't care if she doesn't have the money to give me gifts (my father tries to buy affection).  I recently convinced her to switch from an old flip phone with time prepaid by the minute to an unlimited plan... for us, that's the best option.

If my grandmother doesn't hear from me for a few days, she starts worrying.  If it went longer than 4 days, I have no doubt that she'd call my employer, friends, and if everyone had no idea, she'd have a wellness check done by the police.  My father wouldn't notice if I didn't call him for months, just like he hasn't noticed before.[/quote]

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