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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]New poster, new perspective.

A lot of the “solutions” offered here didn’t really catch the OP’s question.

OP, my take is that your Mom is dealing with early-stage mortality denial. As in, she knows she’s gonna die – OK, that stinks – but first you’re gonna take away her independence. She can’t blame you for the first thing, but she sure can blame you for the second. (Meanwhile, you’re just trying to keep her and others safe.)

So I suggest you try to move the mental pieces around so that it’s not your Mom vs you, but rather you and your Mom vs the situation. She knows she can’t get insurance. She knows why too – just doesn’t want to face it. Sympathize – not because the situation’s unjust – but because it’s pretty traumatic for her. “I know Mom, that must be so frustrating.” Let her vent. Listen. See where you might help her save face.

I urge everybody to understand that “taking away the carkeys” is a terrifying rite of passage for some folks. Be tactful and kind. You’ll want the same when it’s your turn.
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Thank you pp. (OP here.) You definitely picked up on my primary concern. And we have been doing exactly as you advised. I listen to the venting - sometimes for hours a week - and her frustration. I am sympathetic and repeat over and over that I understand how hard this is for her. But she keeps saying things like, "I would only drive in the day time. I would only go two blocks," etc., etc., as she keeps trying to convince me to tell my siblings to let her drive. The more I affirm her POV without also promising to help her convince the others, the more hysterical she gets. She just gets madder and madder when I say I understand her feelings.

We arranged for her to see a therapist, but she turned it around on us and says the therapist says we just don't understand her, that the therapist says she's a safer driver than the teens in the family, etc. The therapist is part of a palliative care team so I highly doubt she is actually saying mom should drive, but mom also interprets the therapist's empathy as meaning she's on her side and that we're all terrible and abusive children. This week mom even told me she hid the POA because her attorney told her not to trust us. (We all have copies. And the attorney would not say this.)

Honestly, it's at the point where I no longer want to call or see her because every time I pick up the phone it's like getting blasted with a fire hydrant of anger and recrimination. Even the simplest conversation about arranging to bring over her groceries ends up in her screaming at me about the car.

And yes, I know where it's coming from. Loss of independence. Impending death. Her breast cancer may be back. That's absolutely got her in a twist - as it would anyone. Maybe I just have to accept that she's going to spend the last years of her life screaming at us. It's just so hard because I know the end is close and I want to want to be with her during these last days/weeks/months. [/quote]

She sounds as if she's in the angry phase of dementia, actually.

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OP here. Wow. Old thread revived. But, we do have updates.

Yes. I agree she's got dementia. We've tried to have her evaluated but she keeps passing the tests with her PCP. A few months ago I sent some info on how to get a more thorough dementia evaluation to my sister, who lives near mom and handles most of her care. She was thankful but mom has resisted and won't attend the appointment.

Even worse, mom's nastiness finally wore my sister down. She helped her get her insurance. Mom is driving again. She has been out twice. She said the first time was fine but the second was terrible. (She would not say more.) She has not driven since the second, terrible outing. I hope she is finally letting it go but nothing I can do if my siblings won't stand firm with me.

I was able to convince mom to try some antidepressants, which I hope will help us all. [/quote]
rat her out to the insurance company?

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