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[quote=Anonymous]Sorry you're getting such knee-jerk "divorce now" posts, OP. While that may be the eventual end here, people angrily posting she should divorce ASAP are not in her shoes, and this is all very raw and new for her. It's not helpful when folks just bleat "divorce" at every OP who comes here.

Also sorry about posters ragging on you for "making this about you" etc. You're giving us your perspective and that's fine! YOU need to get this out and vent somewhere too. Of course you're affected. Better to tell that to us strangers than to your poor sister right now.

Very short-term, focus on what you can do specifically to give her breathing space and time when she is not having to watch her kids. Offer to take them not just for overnights but also for outings or daytime visits or whatever. Tell her you know she needs some time to think and having kids around is not conducive to that, and you will gladly distract the kids.

It is hard to get therapists right now, as you note, but she needs an indvidual one for herself and they need a couples therapist who has a track record working with infidelity situations. If she is OK with it -- she might not be, and that's all right -- offer to do some online research and make some calls to see if you can help her land a therapist(s). Did she try their insurance company's list of therapists? Are they open to virtual therapy over Zoom if that's what they can get? Try the Women's Center (two in the area) and see if they have suggestions re: finding therapy these days (they can also help find things like sliding scale fee therapists etc., if money is an issue). Or put out a post here on DCUM asking for people to name any good couples therapists they used in an affair situation. (I would not do this on this thread but would start a new one JUST asking for names; be sure to give a location like MD suburbs or only in the District etc.).

If she's really thrown by this, you might offer to help with any day to day stuff like picking up her kid from preschool if that's a thing, or bringing over dinner (sneak in enough for two meals for them all) and say it's 'just because") etc. You do not want her feel you think she's helpless! But if you can make some things easier without intruding, think what those things might be.

Most of all ASK her clearly how you can help. Say you do not want to interfere but if she needs concrete help with kids or tasks, to free up her time for finding therapy, going to therapy, spending time with DH working on this, etc. you will help. You sound like a great sister. I'm sorry she's going through this. I do think there will be more bombshells potentially coming, OP, so be ready for that; it seems unlikely that an affair would only start with the start of the pandemic, so there may be more revelations.

And absolutely tell her she needs an STD test NOW. And she should insist that he get one too. Frankly in her shoes I'd make the appointment for him and demand to see the results on paper afterward, and would not trust to "I went to the doctor and I'm fine." People are sayng she needs testing which is true, but he must get it too. [/quote]

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