Reply to Our closest parent friends are becoming kind of intense parents. Anyone BTDT and have advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Reading through the replies has been interesting, thank you. I do think some of you are projecting some of your own experiences onto mine -- this really isn't a high conflict situation at all. Mostly I was looking for advice on how to stay friends but maybe reduce how much time we spend talking about kid-centric topics. I just increasingly don't like how those conversations go because they want to talk intensely about something like after-school enrichment and I can't do that. I also think they are the sort who are always tweaking things a bit (let's try a new soccer league, let's look into privates, let's hire a different nanny, etc.) and we like to ride things out a bit and see how it goes. It's really just a different approach. I could never do it the way they do because it would make me too anxious. But that doesn't mean they are wrong. It takes all kinds.

I do really want to preserve the friendship because I think it's special for our kids to have this kind of friendship, where they take vacations together and get to spend time together in ways that are hard to do with other friends. Having a friend you get to see all the time when your parents get together is really special -- you get to know them in a different way. I never had that growing up but my older brother had it with our neighbors (who were his age, but not too old for me to really bond with) because our families spent so much time together. They are lifelong friends. It's a special bond.

I guess I just need to decide if this is something I should address directly (maybe by asking directly if we could take a break from all the activities/diet/screentime talk when we get together) or finding ways for it not to be so draining for me. I will say that this problem is more pronounced with the husband, who has a more intense personality generally and can just get fixated on certain topics (and is more inclined to sort of interrogate us about what we are doing around a certain issue). The wife is more laid back, or at least more aware that not everyone wants to talk about this stuff all the time. Perhaps I'll try to set up more playdates where it's just moms, maybe try to stick to one annual vacation together but otherwise decline. I don't want to offend them or push them away, but I definitely need a little more space.

Thanks for the input.[/quote]

OP, more than one annual vacation with another family is a lot, and it’s very reasonable to keep it to one, especially if you don’t get along as well as you used to.

It’s also reasonable to do things more with solely the moms and the kids, to gently tell the husband to move on or that you don’t want to talk about whatever intense thing he’s focused on, etc.  You don’t have to drop them completely to ease off a bit.

As for how to make it less stressful for you, the only thing I’d say is to examine whether their intensity is tapping into anything that really is an issue for you.  It may well not be, and just an annoyance.  But, it’s worth at least considering, I think.  FWIW, I think some PPs are doing a LOT of projecting onto you, and that’s lame.[/quote]

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