Reply to divorce from an adult child view

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "divorce from an adult child view"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]See, it's not just visiting one *home*.  It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go.  And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything.  Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time.  And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family.  They come to us or we don't see them.  But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well.  But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade.  But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie.  And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.[/quote]

Also, if my parents were married they would probably go to the same church as each other.  And they wouldn't have new spouses with extended families to pressure us to spend time with, and we wouldn't have to plan our schedules around so many people.  Even though my parents do like to bring their grandkids to church and show them off, and I think it's good and important that my kids spend time their *actual* cousins (rather than their pretend step-cousins), and that would be a manageable amount of stuff to do.  It gets out of hand when my parents are trying to have separate mirror-image families in their 50% of our visit.  So it really is because of the divorce.  Without the divorce, it would be manageable.[/quote]

I am picking up on a lot of resentment in your posts, you view your mother's relationship as a "charade" and your step siblings as "pretend" siblings rather than accepting your mother can live her life as she chooses, with whomever she loves, and you are able to place boundaries around areas that cross a line for you.  You are both adults.  Your mother is a human in her own right, fallible as they are.

You complain that visiting two homes is too hard, they pack it full with things they want to do, they want to live this false family life as if your family of origin didn't exist - but you also are pinning for some fictitious world where your parent's are happily married, live in the same house, attend the same church ...

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you might find relief in exploring this with a therapist.  And boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.[/quote]

I'm sure you do mean it in a nice way, but we ACOD are so often told that we need therapy, as if it's our fault for not liking these logistical burdens placed on us or not thinking the daughter of my mom's boyfriend, whom I've literally never met even one time, as a sibling.  As if therapy would somehow change us into people who complied with the demands of others.  But that's not what therapy does.

I don't think my mother's relationship itself is a charade, but the idea that my children and her boyfriend's grandchildren are cousins is simply untrue.  They are not related by blood, adoption, or marriage, or even an especially long dating relationship.  They've met each other twice in their lives.  Yet she goes on and on each year about how she's sooooooo sad we aren't "getting the cousins together" because I refuse to schedule my life around it.

I don't pine for my parents to be married-- they were incompatible and unhappy.  But I do wish I had a less stressful family, and I do think it's inconsiderate of my parents to not see my point of view.  I wish I weren't always having to fend off proposals and surprises and coincidences that lead to me spending time with people I wouldn't agree to see if I were asked.  I wish I and my kids could just rest a little while, not be running from event to event and place to place so that my parents can have the life they would have had in an intact family.  I've laid down some boundaries to deal with this stuff, but here's the thing-- you can say "boundaries" all day but in some families it just leads to passive-aggressive pouting, trickery, and other drama.  It isn't necessarily less work or stress that way.[/quote]

let me be clear, I do not suggest therapy because I think it's your fault.  I suggest therapy because life is hard, and some times we need help to process that, and it seems like you are struggling with that and really ruminating on the negatives.

I myself had my family of origin torn apart after the sudden death of a parent as a child, and subsequent physical abuse for years from a grieving family member. Personally, I would welcome a childhood of divorce and the burden of too many family members too visit over what I faced.  It also wasn't my fault, and I also did not like the burdens placed on me ... so I went to therapy for years until I could give that child version of myself what I was not given as a child.  We owe ourselves more in life than to stay in a discontent place.

I don't fault you for not feeling the kinship for the "cousins" - but this is where boundaries are important.  If it's too much to ask of you, say no.  If you do not like the treatment you are getting, you stop participating.

You state you think it's inconsiderate for your parents not to see your point of view - but maybe they do, but it's just that they are now prioritizing themselves as I assume you are a grown adult.  Maybe they are just jerks and/or narcissist (as refences to the emotional manipulation you allude to), and my answer would still be boundaries and therapy for you.

You seem to be most exhausted by the proposals to visit with lots of extended members of your mother's network.  You say you have laid down boundaries, which leads to pouting and manipulative tactics ... and it isn't any less work or stress.  The point is ... boundaries work over time, your mother will learn your boundaries so long as you are consistent, just as you do with children.  It becomes easier the longer you establish your boundaries.  To cave in is to take the easy road, it's immediate gratification (appease your mother) and undermining your values and boundaries.

Or, you can just continue to complain, and complain, and complain - your choice![/quote]

NP here-Give it a rest! [/quote]

The thread is about perspectives from ACOD, for the benefit of the OP.  So I guess the OP can learn from this that ACOD are often told that they need therapy, and that ACOD should establish boundaries.  The thing is, when ACOD have children of their own, it's hard to do boundaries that don't result in a scene in front of the children, or depriving the children of time with their grandparents, or doing weird stuff like leaving for a hotel at 9 AM on Christmas morning.  Maybe in time boundaries would work, but in that time children grow up and you can't get those holiday times back.  Especially in a divorce situation where family time is already so limited, it's a steep price for the children to pay.  So many of us find that our best option is to suck it up while the children are young.

For the OP, I think it's important to understand that ACOD may not choose to go along with your new family.  You might want them to like your new boyfriend as much as you do, but they probably won't.  You might want them to do various things, but they'll be like "Boundaries!" and go out of the house, taking your grandchildren with them.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics