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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm the mom and I agree with your DH. So does the brilliant writer Ayelet Waldman. [/quote]

Yes, she points out the difference is that she loves her kids (and she has a bunch, like 4?), but she is IN love with her spouse.  I think this is healthy and best for a marriage and the kids.

[/quote]

No, she pointed out that she could more easily cope with the death of one of her children than that of her husband.  I can't relate to that at all, and I'm a very, very empathic person.  No one gets over the loss of a child.  [/quote]

Saying it like that minimizes how horrible it is to lose a spouse. I’m a woman and honestly I don’t know. Losing my husband would not feel as wrenching and like losing a limb. But it would leave me so alone in a way losing a child would not. I had typed out, “of course you’re right losing my child would be worse than losing my husband” and yet as I typed it I thought about losing him and wasn’t sure.

I again do not know what is gained by parsing out these differences though. Losing people is agonizing. I watched my mother lose a spouse and then a child, and it was not really that different. And it certainly didn’t seem helpful to try to figure out which was more agonizing. It didn’t feel good for me to think about what was more agonizing. I wonder if people like you have really experienced loss, to try to quantify it in some way that is “right” or “wrong” or “more” or “less” just seems divorced from the actual experience of this type of loss.

It will give you no comfort, if your spouse dies, to think that at least it wasn’t your child.[/quote]

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