Reply to If you left a private school because of bullying or exclusion, what was the tipping point?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Can she be in a different class next year with different kids? If she is going to be with same kids for the duration I would switch too. [/quote]

There are no other classes - it’s one class per grade. [/quote]

OP, just curious, do you have other children at the school? We are in a similar situation with our fourth grade DD at a small school with just one class per grade. DD is really struggling socially and we’re considering public, but we have another child who has lucked out and is in a class with mostly easy going kids and seems to be thriving at the small school. Overall, I’m not thrilled with how the school handles mean kids so am tempted to pull both kids out. Just wondering if you’ve got another kid factoring into your decision.[/quote]

Hi this is OP - another child is not factoring into the decision.  But even if I had two there, I would not mind separating them if that's what worked best.  If 4th is rough for your daughter, often it only gets worse as they get older. Also I know plenty of families that have their kids split - some or one in public and the other(s) in private.  The problem with small kids is when even one kid leaves or one kid joins, the entire dynamic of the class can shift.[/quote]

My kid went to a K-8 with one class per grade.

Do you have any sense that the kids who are being mean have any kind of social skills-related disability?  I later learned two or three kids got outside support due to anxiety or trouble reading social cues. We looked into this for my kid. The advice my kid (then in 4th) was given to stand up for themselves or set boundaries might help in a workplace, but not in a class with 22 Catholic kids who will be together for 5 years. I pulled my kid out of that program because it was not kind.

Is the kind of bullying "excluding" or ignoring (relational)?  Are they not being chosen for team/groups?  Is it related to appearance in some way?

Is there a person at school that is there full time to address feelings, or is the "counselor" the priest/principal/just as nice teacher?

In making your decision, can you try to think about switching "up" as in towards a place where there is a program your child likes (coding after school, a good choir, a science lab....) and better social-emotional support on site, so they can upgrade to things that will help them develop in a loving way instead of fleeing. This may require some research.

I think in the end, if you can't find a work around, helping your child learn when to leave an emotionally abusive environment is a good message.

Just also try to make sure you can talk to someone who will give you the full story of the social dynamics of the class. There is usually a queen bee mom who knows what's going on with everyone, and sometimes 2-3 girls are so afraid of being cast out of clique, they alienate the person who could take their spot.

The book Queen Bees and Wanna Be-s is amazing. Mean Girls was based on it. [/quote]

This is great advice.  The class is so small though (think under 12) and is predominantly boys.  Therefore, there is no room to move away from these girls. It is excluding and sometimes ignoring but not because my kid has social issues - the kids who are doing the ignoring seem to lack certain social skills but happen to be louder and more aggressive, so rule the nest.  And for background - my child attended another, bigger school and had a wide group of friends so it is not a relational/social skills issue.  These girls seem to take pride in not being the one excluded so they do whatever they can to make sure the they are not *that* person who is left out.  There is no counselor.  And oddly, there is no Queen Bee mom (and I know what you mean by this) - the moms are checked out, meaning they aren't monitoring their kids social media use or access to phones, etc. so they are not too invested in being tuned into what is influencing their kids.  I just hate watching her want to desperately to belong and it not happening.  It crushes me in a way that surprises me because I just feel so bad for her. For some reason she think she should just "tough it out" but I honestly don't think it will get better.[/quote]

I am so sorry, and I know how that hurts.

Unless she is open to making boy buddies (and they are as well) it sounds like you have an answer in your heart. [/quote]

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