Reply to What did you think having 3 kids and working full time would be like?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The empathy is strong with this one[/quote]

Not OP but I think it's weird to have a lot of kids, then struggle with having a lot of kids, and then expect a lot of empathy for those struggles. It's not the 1800s -- no one is forcing you to have lots of children.

Our friends and family members with 3+ kids tend to complain about parenting a lot more and expect a lot more accommodations, and it was okay at first because obviously I can see that having more kids is harder than having fewer. But over time, you run out of empathy and willingness to accommodate. You get tired of always having to defer to the family with the most kids on venue, timing, and type of gathering because they have more schedules to juggle. And always having to listen to them explain how traveling, or meals, or school stuff, or sleeping arrangements is harder with more kids. Like yes, I see that, but also, I stopped caring at some point.

If you have 3+ kids and are managing fine, aside from the odd frustration, great! But my experience is that families like this are just an endless stream of scheduling nightmares and issues with the kids (the second one kid's food allergies gets solved, they've got another kid with a developmental issues, and every conversation revolves around this endless litany of parenting concerns).

One of my friends with 3 kids recently said to me "Wow it just seems like you've got it all figured out -- you never complain about this stuff!" And I didn't say it because I don't want to be rude, but that's not it. I have parenting struggles like everyone. But my stress level is overall lower and my capacity for resolving these struggles without needing to complain to everyone I know for months is higher, because I have fewer kids. It's more manageable. I'm not super mom and my kids aren't unusually easy. I just had fewer kids. It's my secret parenting hack, I guess.[/quote]

DP, but your friends with 3+ sound like they haven't figured out that you can't parent 3+ the way you parent 1 or 2 kids.  Or they're just very tightly wound, in general.  You have to be more chill, or you'll lose your mind.  I find some parents of 1 or 2 way too uptight to hang out with (not all, of course), because they parent in a much more intensive way than we do.  We don't live in one of the pricier areas of the DMV, so that may be it.  Our stress is lower because we actively choose for it to be lower: we don't overcommit with activities, we build in downtime, etc.

I think that parents should consider how they want to parent (including their resources) and factor that in when considering their family size.  Solely taking the very long view, as I've long seen advised here, is incomplete.

Last but not least, when it comes to toddlers vs. teens, the best advice I've heard from parents with older kids is that it's all hard, so pace yourself.  You can't burn out and then check out when you have teens, as many parents do.  Even once kids are launched, they're still your kids and they still might need help, which I also think about (I have a sibling with many health problems, for example).  Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.[/quote]

Divorcing PP here and yes, this exactly. This is excellent advice.[/quote]

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